I have not written in awhile as was noticed by my friend Amy. It has been a busy time with the passing of my mother, my new job and my kids to take care of. I feel, however, that all that is going on in my life that I am improving. Life feels really good. Sure, life could always be easier. I never thought that I would feel o.k. so soon after the passing of my mom. Perhaps it is her spirit in my life that is influencing me. I'm also realizing that through this transition and the passage of time my expectations of people have changed. Yes, the naive and fragile 8 year old girl still resides inside me. However, I truly believe that my eyes are opening to so many important observations and lessons.
As I look around it is hard not to notice that life takes it's toll on everyone. I use to have a specific vision as to what was right and wrong, what was acceptable and who was redeemable and who was a total lost cause. I had an idealic childhood and for many years I thought life would proceed that way unvarnished by the passage of time and the events of life. This is not the case. I am a prime example of the scarring and drama that can occur.
If I followed my former "rules" on how life is suppose to be judged and proceed, then I would have to eliminate myself because I would be unworthy. Are only the sinless valuable? What can a sinner bring to the table? " Much." would be my answer. They could provide example through their life on how to regain themselves from trouble and move forward. They can lead by how God is guiding them in their life and how faith and trust, even in the most desolate of experiences, is ultimately what gets a person through. A blameless, unfettered life cannot account for much. It would also be hard to learn anything from that kind of life. A straight line with no real twists or turns, no decisions to be made and nothing truly valuable to be gleaned. I am glad that I have made this realization. It makes it easier to see the beauty in everyone's scars. No matter how deep or disguised, each one bares the lesson of life well learned. How can that not be beautiful?
About Me
- Koren
- I am a single mother of two who has her Masters degree. I have been through what feels like everything in the past few years: divorce,bankruptcy,foreclosure,and unemployment. However, I keep holding on to my faith in God while trying to figure out my journey.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Jimmy Deckler
Jimmy Deckler has been on my mind for the better part of this week. I keep wondering what it is he wants me to say. I only know what I know about Jimmy and not much more. However, I am learning that the little bit we do know about others is quite significant.
Even though I lived on top of a hill we had a cul-de-sac near us. This was a wonderful thing because it gave us another avenue of safe play. On the cul-de-sac or court as we called it, among the families that resided there, lived the Decklers. I know there was Linda, Debbie and Jimmy. There could have been more siblings but I don't remember since it has been well over 30 years. I knew Linda and Debbie as they were our babysitters. Debbie more than Linda. I believe Linda was the oldest of the three, however, I don't know if Jimmy was younger than Debbie or not. I just knew they were all older than myself.
I don't really remember Jimmy's face. I remember a tall, brown-haired teenage/college age boy or man. He seemed closer to a man than a boy. I remember him shirtless and in shorts. However, that is the fleeting memory I have of Jimmy. You see, Jimmy had cancer. I don't know what kind of cancer, I just knew he was asleep a lot or in bed. My brief memory of him was in summer. Maybe he came to the door when we came to their house one day. Were we selling something? I don't remember. Just shirtless and in shorts. That's my memory of Jimmy.
Later, while Jimmy was ill and in bed, his family had a garage sale. Our neighborhood did a yearly garage sale so there were people all over. I remember being in their garage and seeing a boy's lunch box. I stared at it. I was pretty young and I knew that the lunch box had to have been Jimmy's. I didn't understand but the lunch box bothered me. I didn't want to go near it. Did the lunch box contain cancer? By touching it could he have received cancer or could someone catch cancer from it? I didn't know and I wasn't about to find out. I just kept looking around to assess the other items that might have belonged to Jimmy wondering the same thing. Cancer seemed scary and unknown and it was the only thing I really knew about Jimmy.
I don't know how much more time passed but Jimmy eventually passed away. I never knew what kind of cancer he had. I do remember his sister Debbie not talking about him. Not that I asked about him, of course. I was just wondering if she would ever talk about him. Probably not to the kids she babysat. Jimmy just seemed to slip into the memories I have of the 1970s.
The Decklers moved away and I don't know where they went. I will always remember them. The parents, Debbie, Linda and for a fleeting moment Jimmy. I think about the Decklers and wonder if the parents are still living. I wonder if Debbie and Linda think about Jimmy. I would think so because I think about my brother. However, my brother has only been gone 6 years. Jimmy has been gone several life times.
As I sit here I wonder what Jimmy was really like and how interesting it is that a small girl remembers him around 35 yrs later. I wonder if anyone remembers me from a fleeting moment in my history? How is it that 35 years later Jimmy has me thinking about him. I wonder what he thought as he laid in bed getting sicker? I think of my mother in her similar circumstance. Does one think about their fate? Is a person so tired that they just set their mind to sleep and reserving their strength? What would one dream about? Could it be that life at this point is a reverse nightmare? As I call it a "lifemare". A dream feels pretty good but when you wake up, your life is way worse than you imagine it. I don't know. I'm not there but I wish I could talk to Jimmy. It would be great to know more about him. More than the fleeting moment I had.
Can each of our moments be significant not only to ourselves but others? I believe this is true because I remember people in fleeting moments that I will never know again. And others still that have been gone so many years that mean the world to me. My Uncle Curt who use to call Snowball, my Nana's dog, through an empty, cardboard toilet roll and drive the dog mad. He's been gone since March 17th, 1976. He died at the age of 28, five days after my brother Brett was born. Brett died also at age 28 in 2005. I hope people remember them. I hope I am remembered.
As I think about my memory of Jimmy I realize that what we do, even those things that seem so insignificant, have great meaning perhaps to someone else. How we communicate, our intentions and our actions speak volumes about who we are. When you are abrupt will you be forever judged by a person that doesn't know you? Even things that you have no control over make an impact, like cancer. We are human, however. We cannot be perfect every day. Things get the best of us in our words and actions. Sometimes random people witness this and you wonder if they think you are really like that all the time. As I think about this I realize that I have to be in two states of mind: cognizant that people are watching my actions and deeds and also I am watching other's actions and deeds. If this is the case, am I forever going to judge someone on their actions and deeds when I don't know them but for one fleeting moment? I want to be fair just like I want someone to be fair to me.
I think the crux of the matter is to remember that a moment is just that: a moment that leads to the next. Is a moment the sum of all things? Was Jimmy just cancer? Of course not. He was a human with the totality of all the moments he experienced. The sum of those moments are representive of Jimmy's life. Even Jimmy's life of moments still don't totally define Jimmy. Defining Jimmy is not my job. Unfortunately, he was put in a box of representation by my child's brain. I am basing that on my interpretation of the few moments spent with Jimmy. His interpretation and experience might have been far different than mine. It was for me to learn something from Jimmy, even if fleeting. Knowing this, as an adult, I can't judge. I can only be grateful for Jimmy and what I do remember.
Even though I lived on top of a hill we had a cul-de-sac near us. This was a wonderful thing because it gave us another avenue of safe play. On the cul-de-sac or court as we called it, among the families that resided there, lived the Decklers. I know there was Linda, Debbie and Jimmy. There could have been more siblings but I don't remember since it has been well over 30 years. I knew Linda and Debbie as they were our babysitters. Debbie more than Linda. I believe Linda was the oldest of the three, however, I don't know if Jimmy was younger than Debbie or not. I just knew they were all older than myself.
I don't really remember Jimmy's face. I remember a tall, brown-haired teenage/college age boy or man. He seemed closer to a man than a boy. I remember him shirtless and in shorts. However, that is the fleeting memory I have of Jimmy. You see, Jimmy had cancer. I don't know what kind of cancer, I just knew he was asleep a lot or in bed. My brief memory of him was in summer. Maybe he came to the door when we came to their house one day. Were we selling something? I don't remember. Just shirtless and in shorts. That's my memory of Jimmy.
Later, while Jimmy was ill and in bed, his family had a garage sale. Our neighborhood did a yearly garage sale so there were people all over. I remember being in their garage and seeing a boy's lunch box. I stared at it. I was pretty young and I knew that the lunch box had to have been Jimmy's. I didn't understand but the lunch box bothered me. I didn't want to go near it. Did the lunch box contain cancer? By touching it could he have received cancer or could someone catch cancer from it? I didn't know and I wasn't about to find out. I just kept looking around to assess the other items that might have belonged to Jimmy wondering the same thing. Cancer seemed scary and unknown and it was the only thing I really knew about Jimmy.
I don't know how much more time passed but Jimmy eventually passed away. I never knew what kind of cancer he had. I do remember his sister Debbie not talking about him. Not that I asked about him, of course. I was just wondering if she would ever talk about him. Probably not to the kids she babysat. Jimmy just seemed to slip into the memories I have of the 1970s.
The Decklers moved away and I don't know where they went. I will always remember them. The parents, Debbie, Linda and for a fleeting moment Jimmy. I think about the Decklers and wonder if the parents are still living. I wonder if Debbie and Linda think about Jimmy. I would think so because I think about my brother. However, my brother has only been gone 6 years. Jimmy has been gone several life times.
As I sit here I wonder what Jimmy was really like and how interesting it is that a small girl remembers him around 35 yrs later. I wonder if anyone remembers me from a fleeting moment in my history? How is it that 35 years later Jimmy has me thinking about him. I wonder what he thought as he laid in bed getting sicker? I think of my mother in her similar circumstance. Does one think about their fate? Is a person so tired that they just set their mind to sleep and reserving their strength? What would one dream about? Could it be that life at this point is a reverse nightmare? As I call it a "lifemare". A dream feels pretty good but when you wake up, your life is way worse than you imagine it. I don't know. I'm not there but I wish I could talk to Jimmy. It would be great to know more about him. More than the fleeting moment I had.
Can each of our moments be significant not only to ourselves but others? I believe this is true because I remember people in fleeting moments that I will never know again. And others still that have been gone so many years that mean the world to me. My Uncle Curt who use to call Snowball, my Nana's dog, through an empty, cardboard toilet roll and drive the dog mad. He's been gone since March 17th, 1976. He died at the age of 28, five days after my brother Brett was born. Brett died also at age 28 in 2005. I hope people remember them. I hope I am remembered.
As I think about my memory of Jimmy I realize that what we do, even those things that seem so insignificant, have great meaning perhaps to someone else. How we communicate, our intentions and our actions speak volumes about who we are. When you are abrupt will you be forever judged by a person that doesn't know you? Even things that you have no control over make an impact, like cancer. We are human, however. We cannot be perfect every day. Things get the best of us in our words and actions. Sometimes random people witness this and you wonder if they think you are really like that all the time. As I think about this I realize that I have to be in two states of mind: cognizant that people are watching my actions and deeds and also I am watching other's actions and deeds. If this is the case, am I forever going to judge someone on their actions and deeds when I don't know them but for one fleeting moment? I want to be fair just like I want someone to be fair to me.
I think the crux of the matter is to remember that a moment is just that: a moment that leads to the next. Is a moment the sum of all things? Was Jimmy just cancer? Of course not. He was a human with the totality of all the moments he experienced. The sum of those moments are representive of Jimmy's life. Even Jimmy's life of moments still don't totally define Jimmy. Defining Jimmy is not my job. Unfortunately, he was put in a box of representation by my child's brain. I am basing that on my interpretation of the few moments spent with Jimmy. His interpretation and experience might have been far different than mine. It was for me to learn something from Jimmy, even if fleeting. Knowing this, as an adult, I can't judge. I can only be grateful for Jimmy and what I do remember.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Selah ~
They played a video that was from the perspective of someone who would have been in the World Trade Center as it fell. The sound was loud and roaring. There were cries, moans and shouting but all you could see was dust and debris in the air. The video was loud but our congregation was still. When it was over the musicians stood and the words to God Bless America came on the screen. It seemed appropriate even though it was in church. Everyone stood and it seemed everyone there sang with all their heart. At least I was as I put my arm around my son. I hoped my singing would translate a sense of pride I had for my country even though it seems that there is disappointment in some of the things I see going on and even in myself. I wanted so desperately to bring back that patriotism we had in the days following 9/11/01. It is very much needed.
The sermon was on Psalm 46. It was very appropriate for what this weekend represents. However, it went well beyond remembrance. To me it transcended that and slipped perfectly into my current situation. This Psalm is to be sung by a women's choir so I definitely could relate to it. Psalm 46 talks about how God is our refuge and our strength even though the mountains may fall and the waters will roar and foam. The word Selah is used. Selah, as was explained by Pastor Wicker, means to pause and think about it. How appropriate with all that happens in our life. When life's trials get the best of us, as humans, our natural reaction is to be able to do something about it immediately. However, to pause and think about it is the needed course of action. There are times that we are so overcome with shock and despair that our only reaction is to just stop. Mainly because we can't wrap our mind around it. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the information/situation we have just been given. To stand, to compute and process and to put ourselves in connection with God.
To be silent and wait for God's message is a learned skill. For me to be silent, even in my own mind, is very difficult. The chatter I have going on easily can block out any communication from God and anyone else. I think it is easy to let our own self-talk intensify fear, despair or any other negative feeling we may have. It is important not to nurture and cultivate that. As was said by my Pastor, we may not always feel safe but we are always secure in God. It is a constant to renew your intentions and commitment to God and let Him take over. That may not only mean minute by minute but even moment by moment. It is continuous but if we keep trying to remember to do it, there is a sense of calm, peacefulness and joy that will overcome us. This is because we let God handle what seems to over take us. If we focus on God he provides angelic assistance to all that overwhelms us.
Have you ever had a circumstance that you thought "How am I going to get out of this?" "When will this end?" or "How will this ever be resolved?". Then in comes some change that could never have been conceived, a person interfered that you would never have imagined would be in the picture and the outcome to what seemed like an impossible situation turned on a dime. That is God working in our lives. When these things happen I try and thank God because I know if left to my own devices the outcome would be dismal or tragic.
Life the past two years has been an upheaval for me. However, I am finding that the more I say to God "Hey, can you take this?" He does and I find a sense of peace. I find that there are things I cannot control like my mother's illness and what my ex-husband and his wife do that I give up to Him in prayer. It seems to be working because I am finding more joy in each of my days, despite what is happening around me. I've stopped giving the power to others who create negative feelings in me and just say "Hey God, this is bothering me, help me to react positively to this." and it works. Every time. I just keep saying "Focus on God."and let's face it, this sometimes the only thing we can do.
The sermon was on Psalm 46. It was very appropriate for what this weekend represents. However, it went well beyond remembrance. To me it transcended that and slipped perfectly into my current situation. This Psalm is to be sung by a women's choir so I definitely could relate to it. Psalm 46 talks about how God is our refuge and our strength even though the mountains may fall and the waters will roar and foam. The word Selah is used. Selah, as was explained by Pastor Wicker, means to pause and think about it. How appropriate with all that happens in our life. When life's trials get the best of us, as humans, our natural reaction is to be able to do something about it immediately. However, to pause and think about it is the needed course of action. There are times that we are so overcome with shock and despair that our only reaction is to just stop. Mainly because we can't wrap our mind around it. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the information/situation we have just been given. To stand, to compute and process and to put ourselves in connection with God.
To be silent and wait for God's message is a learned skill. For me to be silent, even in my own mind, is very difficult. The chatter I have going on easily can block out any communication from God and anyone else. I think it is easy to let our own self-talk intensify fear, despair or any other negative feeling we may have. It is important not to nurture and cultivate that. As was said by my Pastor, we may not always feel safe but we are always secure in God. It is a constant to renew your intentions and commitment to God and let Him take over. That may not only mean minute by minute but even moment by moment. It is continuous but if we keep trying to remember to do it, there is a sense of calm, peacefulness and joy that will overcome us. This is because we let God handle what seems to over take us. If we focus on God he provides angelic assistance to all that overwhelms us.
Have you ever had a circumstance that you thought "How am I going to get out of this?" "When will this end?" or "How will this ever be resolved?". Then in comes some change that could never have been conceived, a person interfered that you would never have imagined would be in the picture and the outcome to what seemed like an impossible situation turned on a dime. That is God working in our lives. When these things happen I try and thank God because I know if left to my own devices the outcome would be dismal or tragic.
Life the past two years has been an upheaval for me. However, I am finding that the more I say to God "Hey, can you take this?" He does and I find a sense of peace. I find that there are things I cannot control like my mother's illness and what my ex-husband and his wife do that I give up to Him in prayer. It seems to be working because I am finding more joy in each of my days, despite what is happening around me. I've stopped giving the power to others who create negative feelings in me and just say "Hey God, this is bothering me, help me to react positively to this." and it works. Every time. I just keep saying "Focus on God."and let's face it, this sometimes the only thing we can do.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
(This was partially written on Aug. 30th)
I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.
As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.
Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why". Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.
Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.
Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me. Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason
I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.
As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.
Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why". Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.
Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.
Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me. Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason
Friday, August 26, 2011
Peace
Staring at this blank page I have the need to write but not sure where to begin or how to put it down. The words "Peace" keep running through my head. It's what my neighbor said to me repeatedly as I asked he, his wife and family if they could watch my children so I could come to see what was going to happen with my very ill mother here in Indiana. The tears were flowing and knowing my children's father refused to watch his own children on the days I was suppose to have them made it almost impossible for me to stop. I thank God every day for good neighbors, good friends and good family. How do you say "Thank You" adequately enough? I don't think there is a way. However, I'm going to try.
Peace. It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself. That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.
My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side. My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job. She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live? This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.
Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.
Peace. It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself. That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.
My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side. My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job. She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live? This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.
Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
When I'm Ready...
Tonight I fell asleep some time after 9pm and before 10 on the couch. I woke up to my dog licking my hand as I was laying on the couch. I got up and went to the office to check, of course, good ole facebook.
As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love. He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like. It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.
This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with. Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)
Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.
After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.
As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love. He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like. It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.
This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with. Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)
Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.
After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Revelations and the "T Test"
What I'm going to write about I can't really take credit for personally. When I went to church tonight I had many revelations. Pastor Wicker, as well as my Divorce Care group, helped make them come about for me. Plus, let's face it, these are all messages from God so He is the only one who can take the glory in this. I guess I'm just opening up more and seeing everything I need to see that is communicated to me. As the evening went on I was worried that I would not remember all the jewels I was learning but hopefully what I write here will do good to someone other than myself. If not, it is a record of what I am learning. I know that I have gained a lot by hearing the message. Now the goal is to have it sink it in and live it.
From my past postings I must seem bi-polar. In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand. I try to keep that at the forefront.
During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test". This little test was the huge revelation of the evening. The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:
What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?
Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you. I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment. It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God. This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse. I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most. I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.
I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.
Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do? They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like. They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time. They want to do what pleases that other person. What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him. I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is. If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.
Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself. That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food. There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."
For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it. I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do. Kind of like salt that melts the snow. At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine. By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.
From my past postings I must seem bi-polar. In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand. I try to keep that at the forefront.
During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test". This little test was the huge revelation of the evening. The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:
What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?
Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you. I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment. It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God. This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse. I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most. I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.
I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.
Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do? They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like. They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time. They want to do what pleases that other person. What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him. I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is. If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.
Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself. That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food. There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."
For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it. I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do. Kind of like salt that melts the snow. At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine. By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.
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