I have not written in awhile as was noticed by my friend Amy. It has been a busy time with the passing of my mother, my new job and my kids to take care of. I feel, however, that all that is going on in my life that I am improving. Life feels really good. Sure, life could always be easier. I never thought that I would feel o.k. so soon after the passing of my mom. Perhaps it is her spirit in my life that is influencing me. I'm also realizing that through this transition and the passage of time my expectations of people have changed. Yes, the naive and fragile 8 year old girl still resides inside me. However, I truly believe that my eyes are opening to so many important observations and lessons.
As I look around it is hard not to notice that life takes it's toll on everyone. I use to have a specific vision as to what was right and wrong, what was acceptable and who was redeemable and who was a total lost cause. I had an idealic childhood and for many years I thought life would proceed that way unvarnished by the passage of time and the events of life. This is not the case. I am a prime example of the scarring and drama that can occur.
If I followed my former "rules" on how life is suppose to be judged and proceed, then I would have to eliminate myself because I would be unworthy. Are only the sinless valuable? What can a sinner bring to the table? " Much." would be my answer. They could provide example through their life on how to regain themselves from trouble and move forward. They can lead by how God is guiding them in their life and how faith and trust, even in the most desolate of experiences, is ultimately what gets a person through. A blameless, unfettered life cannot account for much. It would also be hard to learn anything from that kind of life. A straight line with no real twists or turns, no decisions to be made and nothing truly valuable to be gleaned. I am glad that I have made this realization. It makes it easier to see the beauty in everyone's scars. No matter how deep or disguised, each one bares the lesson of life well learned. How can that not be beautiful?
About Me
- Koren
- I am a single mother of two who has her Masters degree. I have been through what feels like everything in the past few years: divorce,bankruptcy,foreclosure,and unemployment. However, I keep holding on to my faith in God while trying to figure out my journey.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Jimmy Deckler
Jimmy Deckler has been on my mind for the better part of this week. I keep wondering what it is he wants me to say. I only know what I know about Jimmy and not much more. However, I am learning that the little bit we do know about others is quite significant.
Even though I lived on top of a hill we had a cul-de-sac near us. This was a wonderful thing because it gave us another avenue of safe play. On the cul-de-sac or court as we called it, among the families that resided there, lived the Decklers. I know there was Linda, Debbie and Jimmy. There could have been more siblings but I don't remember since it has been well over 30 years. I knew Linda and Debbie as they were our babysitters. Debbie more than Linda. I believe Linda was the oldest of the three, however, I don't know if Jimmy was younger than Debbie or not. I just knew they were all older than myself.
I don't really remember Jimmy's face. I remember a tall, brown-haired teenage/college age boy or man. He seemed closer to a man than a boy. I remember him shirtless and in shorts. However, that is the fleeting memory I have of Jimmy. You see, Jimmy had cancer. I don't know what kind of cancer, I just knew he was asleep a lot or in bed. My brief memory of him was in summer. Maybe he came to the door when we came to their house one day. Were we selling something? I don't remember. Just shirtless and in shorts. That's my memory of Jimmy.
Later, while Jimmy was ill and in bed, his family had a garage sale. Our neighborhood did a yearly garage sale so there were people all over. I remember being in their garage and seeing a boy's lunch box. I stared at it. I was pretty young and I knew that the lunch box had to have been Jimmy's. I didn't understand but the lunch box bothered me. I didn't want to go near it. Did the lunch box contain cancer? By touching it could he have received cancer or could someone catch cancer from it? I didn't know and I wasn't about to find out. I just kept looking around to assess the other items that might have belonged to Jimmy wondering the same thing. Cancer seemed scary and unknown and it was the only thing I really knew about Jimmy.
I don't know how much more time passed but Jimmy eventually passed away. I never knew what kind of cancer he had. I do remember his sister Debbie not talking about him. Not that I asked about him, of course. I was just wondering if she would ever talk about him. Probably not to the kids she babysat. Jimmy just seemed to slip into the memories I have of the 1970s.
The Decklers moved away and I don't know where they went. I will always remember them. The parents, Debbie, Linda and for a fleeting moment Jimmy. I think about the Decklers and wonder if the parents are still living. I wonder if Debbie and Linda think about Jimmy. I would think so because I think about my brother. However, my brother has only been gone 6 years. Jimmy has been gone several life times.
As I sit here I wonder what Jimmy was really like and how interesting it is that a small girl remembers him around 35 yrs later. I wonder if anyone remembers me from a fleeting moment in my history? How is it that 35 years later Jimmy has me thinking about him. I wonder what he thought as he laid in bed getting sicker? I think of my mother in her similar circumstance. Does one think about their fate? Is a person so tired that they just set their mind to sleep and reserving their strength? What would one dream about? Could it be that life at this point is a reverse nightmare? As I call it a "lifemare". A dream feels pretty good but when you wake up, your life is way worse than you imagine it. I don't know. I'm not there but I wish I could talk to Jimmy. It would be great to know more about him. More than the fleeting moment I had.
Can each of our moments be significant not only to ourselves but others? I believe this is true because I remember people in fleeting moments that I will never know again. And others still that have been gone so many years that mean the world to me. My Uncle Curt who use to call Snowball, my Nana's dog, through an empty, cardboard toilet roll and drive the dog mad. He's been gone since March 17th, 1976. He died at the age of 28, five days after my brother Brett was born. Brett died also at age 28 in 2005. I hope people remember them. I hope I am remembered.
As I think about my memory of Jimmy I realize that what we do, even those things that seem so insignificant, have great meaning perhaps to someone else. How we communicate, our intentions and our actions speak volumes about who we are. When you are abrupt will you be forever judged by a person that doesn't know you? Even things that you have no control over make an impact, like cancer. We are human, however. We cannot be perfect every day. Things get the best of us in our words and actions. Sometimes random people witness this and you wonder if they think you are really like that all the time. As I think about this I realize that I have to be in two states of mind: cognizant that people are watching my actions and deeds and also I am watching other's actions and deeds. If this is the case, am I forever going to judge someone on their actions and deeds when I don't know them but for one fleeting moment? I want to be fair just like I want someone to be fair to me.
I think the crux of the matter is to remember that a moment is just that: a moment that leads to the next. Is a moment the sum of all things? Was Jimmy just cancer? Of course not. He was a human with the totality of all the moments he experienced. The sum of those moments are representive of Jimmy's life. Even Jimmy's life of moments still don't totally define Jimmy. Defining Jimmy is not my job. Unfortunately, he was put in a box of representation by my child's brain. I am basing that on my interpretation of the few moments spent with Jimmy. His interpretation and experience might have been far different than mine. It was for me to learn something from Jimmy, even if fleeting. Knowing this, as an adult, I can't judge. I can only be grateful for Jimmy and what I do remember.
Even though I lived on top of a hill we had a cul-de-sac near us. This was a wonderful thing because it gave us another avenue of safe play. On the cul-de-sac or court as we called it, among the families that resided there, lived the Decklers. I know there was Linda, Debbie and Jimmy. There could have been more siblings but I don't remember since it has been well over 30 years. I knew Linda and Debbie as they were our babysitters. Debbie more than Linda. I believe Linda was the oldest of the three, however, I don't know if Jimmy was younger than Debbie or not. I just knew they were all older than myself.
I don't really remember Jimmy's face. I remember a tall, brown-haired teenage/college age boy or man. He seemed closer to a man than a boy. I remember him shirtless and in shorts. However, that is the fleeting memory I have of Jimmy. You see, Jimmy had cancer. I don't know what kind of cancer, I just knew he was asleep a lot or in bed. My brief memory of him was in summer. Maybe he came to the door when we came to their house one day. Were we selling something? I don't remember. Just shirtless and in shorts. That's my memory of Jimmy.
Later, while Jimmy was ill and in bed, his family had a garage sale. Our neighborhood did a yearly garage sale so there were people all over. I remember being in their garage and seeing a boy's lunch box. I stared at it. I was pretty young and I knew that the lunch box had to have been Jimmy's. I didn't understand but the lunch box bothered me. I didn't want to go near it. Did the lunch box contain cancer? By touching it could he have received cancer or could someone catch cancer from it? I didn't know and I wasn't about to find out. I just kept looking around to assess the other items that might have belonged to Jimmy wondering the same thing. Cancer seemed scary and unknown and it was the only thing I really knew about Jimmy.
I don't know how much more time passed but Jimmy eventually passed away. I never knew what kind of cancer he had. I do remember his sister Debbie not talking about him. Not that I asked about him, of course. I was just wondering if she would ever talk about him. Probably not to the kids she babysat. Jimmy just seemed to slip into the memories I have of the 1970s.
The Decklers moved away and I don't know where they went. I will always remember them. The parents, Debbie, Linda and for a fleeting moment Jimmy. I think about the Decklers and wonder if the parents are still living. I wonder if Debbie and Linda think about Jimmy. I would think so because I think about my brother. However, my brother has only been gone 6 years. Jimmy has been gone several life times.
As I sit here I wonder what Jimmy was really like and how interesting it is that a small girl remembers him around 35 yrs later. I wonder if anyone remembers me from a fleeting moment in my history? How is it that 35 years later Jimmy has me thinking about him. I wonder what he thought as he laid in bed getting sicker? I think of my mother in her similar circumstance. Does one think about their fate? Is a person so tired that they just set their mind to sleep and reserving their strength? What would one dream about? Could it be that life at this point is a reverse nightmare? As I call it a "lifemare". A dream feels pretty good but when you wake up, your life is way worse than you imagine it. I don't know. I'm not there but I wish I could talk to Jimmy. It would be great to know more about him. More than the fleeting moment I had.
Can each of our moments be significant not only to ourselves but others? I believe this is true because I remember people in fleeting moments that I will never know again. And others still that have been gone so many years that mean the world to me. My Uncle Curt who use to call Snowball, my Nana's dog, through an empty, cardboard toilet roll and drive the dog mad. He's been gone since March 17th, 1976. He died at the age of 28, five days after my brother Brett was born. Brett died also at age 28 in 2005. I hope people remember them. I hope I am remembered.
As I think about my memory of Jimmy I realize that what we do, even those things that seem so insignificant, have great meaning perhaps to someone else. How we communicate, our intentions and our actions speak volumes about who we are. When you are abrupt will you be forever judged by a person that doesn't know you? Even things that you have no control over make an impact, like cancer. We are human, however. We cannot be perfect every day. Things get the best of us in our words and actions. Sometimes random people witness this and you wonder if they think you are really like that all the time. As I think about this I realize that I have to be in two states of mind: cognizant that people are watching my actions and deeds and also I am watching other's actions and deeds. If this is the case, am I forever going to judge someone on their actions and deeds when I don't know them but for one fleeting moment? I want to be fair just like I want someone to be fair to me.
I think the crux of the matter is to remember that a moment is just that: a moment that leads to the next. Is a moment the sum of all things? Was Jimmy just cancer? Of course not. He was a human with the totality of all the moments he experienced. The sum of those moments are representive of Jimmy's life. Even Jimmy's life of moments still don't totally define Jimmy. Defining Jimmy is not my job. Unfortunately, he was put in a box of representation by my child's brain. I am basing that on my interpretation of the few moments spent with Jimmy. His interpretation and experience might have been far different than mine. It was for me to learn something from Jimmy, even if fleeting. Knowing this, as an adult, I can't judge. I can only be grateful for Jimmy and what I do remember.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Selah ~
They played a video that was from the perspective of someone who would have been in the World Trade Center as it fell. The sound was loud and roaring. There were cries, moans and shouting but all you could see was dust and debris in the air. The video was loud but our congregation was still. When it was over the musicians stood and the words to God Bless America came on the screen. It seemed appropriate even though it was in church. Everyone stood and it seemed everyone there sang with all their heart. At least I was as I put my arm around my son. I hoped my singing would translate a sense of pride I had for my country even though it seems that there is disappointment in some of the things I see going on and even in myself. I wanted so desperately to bring back that patriotism we had in the days following 9/11/01. It is very much needed.
The sermon was on Psalm 46. It was very appropriate for what this weekend represents. However, it went well beyond remembrance. To me it transcended that and slipped perfectly into my current situation. This Psalm is to be sung by a women's choir so I definitely could relate to it. Psalm 46 talks about how God is our refuge and our strength even though the mountains may fall and the waters will roar and foam. The word Selah is used. Selah, as was explained by Pastor Wicker, means to pause and think about it. How appropriate with all that happens in our life. When life's trials get the best of us, as humans, our natural reaction is to be able to do something about it immediately. However, to pause and think about it is the needed course of action. There are times that we are so overcome with shock and despair that our only reaction is to just stop. Mainly because we can't wrap our mind around it. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the information/situation we have just been given. To stand, to compute and process and to put ourselves in connection with God.
To be silent and wait for God's message is a learned skill. For me to be silent, even in my own mind, is very difficult. The chatter I have going on easily can block out any communication from God and anyone else. I think it is easy to let our own self-talk intensify fear, despair or any other negative feeling we may have. It is important not to nurture and cultivate that. As was said by my Pastor, we may not always feel safe but we are always secure in God. It is a constant to renew your intentions and commitment to God and let Him take over. That may not only mean minute by minute but even moment by moment. It is continuous but if we keep trying to remember to do it, there is a sense of calm, peacefulness and joy that will overcome us. This is because we let God handle what seems to over take us. If we focus on God he provides angelic assistance to all that overwhelms us.
Have you ever had a circumstance that you thought "How am I going to get out of this?" "When will this end?" or "How will this ever be resolved?". Then in comes some change that could never have been conceived, a person interfered that you would never have imagined would be in the picture and the outcome to what seemed like an impossible situation turned on a dime. That is God working in our lives. When these things happen I try and thank God because I know if left to my own devices the outcome would be dismal or tragic.
Life the past two years has been an upheaval for me. However, I am finding that the more I say to God "Hey, can you take this?" He does and I find a sense of peace. I find that there are things I cannot control like my mother's illness and what my ex-husband and his wife do that I give up to Him in prayer. It seems to be working because I am finding more joy in each of my days, despite what is happening around me. I've stopped giving the power to others who create negative feelings in me and just say "Hey God, this is bothering me, help me to react positively to this." and it works. Every time. I just keep saying "Focus on God."and let's face it, this sometimes the only thing we can do.
The sermon was on Psalm 46. It was very appropriate for what this weekend represents. However, it went well beyond remembrance. To me it transcended that and slipped perfectly into my current situation. This Psalm is to be sung by a women's choir so I definitely could relate to it. Psalm 46 talks about how God is our refuge and our strength even though the mountains may fall and the waters will roar and foam. The word Selah is used. Selah, as was explained by Pastor Wicker, means to pause and think about it. How appropriate with all that happens in our life. When life's trials get the best of us, as humans, our natural reaction is to be able to do something about it immediately. However, to pause and think about it is the needed course of action. There are times that we are so overcome with shock and despair that our only reaction is to just stop. Mainly because we can't wrap our mind around it. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the information/situation we have just been given. To stand, to compute and process and to put ourselves in connection with God.
To be silent and wait for God's message is a learned skill. For me to be silent, even in my own mind, is very difficult. The chatter I have going on easily can block out any communication from God and anyone else. I think it is easy to let our own self-talk intensify fear, despair or any other negative feeling we may have. It is important not to nurture and cultivate that. As was said by my Pastor, we may not always feel safe but we are always secure in God. It is a constant to renew your intentions and commitment to God and let Him take over. That may not only mean minute by minute but even moment by moment. It is continuous but if we keep trying to remember to do it, there is a sense of calm, peacefulness and joy that will overcome us. This is because we let God handle what seems to over take us. If we focus on God he provides angelic assistance to all that overwhelms us.
Have you ever had a circumstance that you thought "How am I going to get out of this?" "When will this end?" or "How will this ever be resolved?". Then in comes some change that could never have been conceived, a person interfered that you would never have imagined would be in the picture and the outcome to what seemed like an impossible situation turned on a dime. That is God working in our lives. When these things happen I try and thank God because I know if left to my own devices the outcome would be dismal or tragic.
Life the past two years has been an upheaval for me. However, I am finding that the more I say to God "Hey, can you take this?" He does and I find a sense of peace. I find that there are things I cannot control like my mother's illness and what my ex-husband and his wife do that I give up to Him in prayer. It seems to be working because I am finding more joy in each of my days, despite what is happening around me. I've stopped giving the power to others who create negative feelings in me and just say "Hey God, this is bothering me, help me to react positively to this." and it works. Every time. I just keep saying "Focus on God."and let's face it, this sometimes the only thing we can do.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
(This was partially written on Aug. 30th)
I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.
As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.
Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why". Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.
Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.
Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me. Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason
I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.
As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.
Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why". Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.
Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.
Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me. Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason
Friday, August 26, 2011
Peace
Staring at this blank page I have the need to write but not sure where to begin or how to put it down. The words "Peace" keep running through my head. It's what my neighbor said to me repeatedly as I asked he, his wife and family if they could watch my children so I could come to see what was going to happen with my very ill mother here in Indiana. The tears were flowing and knowing my children's father refused to watch his own children on the days I was suppose to have them made it almost impossible for me to stop. I thank God every day for good neighbors, good friends and good family. How do you say "Thank You" adequately enough? I don't think there is a way. However, I'm going to try.
Peace. It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself. That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.
My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side. My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job. She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live? This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.
Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.
Peace. It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself. That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.
My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side. My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job. She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live? This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.
Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
When I'm Ready...
Tonight I fell asleep some time after 9pm and before 10 on the couch. I woke up to my dog licking my hand as I was laying on the couch. I got up and went to the office to check, of course, good ole facebook.
As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love. He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like. It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.
This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with. Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)
Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.
After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.
As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love. He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like. It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.
This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with. Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)
Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.
After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Revelations and the "T Test"
What I'm going to write about I can't really take credit for personally. When I went to church tonight I had many revelations. Pastor Wicker, as well as my Divorce Care group, helped make them come about for me. Plus, let's face it, these are all messages from God so He is the only one who can take the glory in this. I guess I'm just opening up more and seeing everything I need to see that is communicated to me. As the evening went on I was worried that I would not remember all the jewels I was learning but hopefully what I write here will do good to someone other than myself. If not, it is a record of what I am learning. I know that I have gained a lot by hearing the message. Now the goal is to have it sink it in and live it.
From my past postings I must seem bi-polar. In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand. I try to keep that at the forefront.
During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test". This little test was the huge revelation of the evening. The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:
What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?
Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you. I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment. It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God. This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse. I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most. I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.
I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.
Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do? They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like. They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time. They want to do what pleases that other person. What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him. I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is. If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.
Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself. That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food. There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."
For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it. I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do. Kind of like salt that melts the snow. At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine. By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.
From my past postings I must seem bi-polar. In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand. I try to keep that at the forefront.
During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test". This little test was the huge revelation of the evening. The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:
What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?
Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you. I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment. It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God. This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse. I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most. I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.
I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.
Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do? They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like. They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time. They want to do what pleases that other person. What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him. I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is. If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.
Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself. That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food. There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."
For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it. I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do. Kind of like salt that melts the snow. At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine. By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Butterfly at Night
It occurred to me that you never see a butterfly at night.
You could strain your eyes into the darkness, every evening, with nothing to gain.
In my dreams I see them there, waving at me ready to take flight.
Though I've never seen one, no matter how hard I try. Staring in the blackness of the sky, it is always in vain.
So where is their dwelling place? Their retreat for slumber deep?
In my heart of hearts I wish to know this and forever the secret I will keep.
Life is not worth knowing without the butterfly, more mundane and more than a tad bit trite.
So I wait until the morning for them to come from their hiding place. I would wait forever for just a glimpse of their total grace.
You could strain your eyes into the darkness, every evening, with nothing to gain.
In my dreams I see them there, waving at me ready to take flight.
Though I've never seen one, no matter how hard I try. Staring in the blackness of the sky, it is always in vain.
So where is their dwelling place? Their retreat for slumber deep?
In my heart of hearts I wish to know this and forever the secret I will keep.
Life is not worth knowing without the butterfly, more mundane and more than a tad bit trite.
So I wait until the morning for them to come from their hiding place. I would wait forever for just a glimpse of their total grace.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Relationships, Love and Not Settling
Today is a lazy day yet the ole brain is never resting. It has been a time of reflection about me and my past relationships, with men, of course. The dating scene at over 40 is a lot different than in my teens and twenties. You have children and their schedule to wrangle. Plus, I am a firm believer in not introducing my children to anyone unless it is a serious relationship. However, momma needs some love.
Everyone says when you least expect it that's when it will come. Really? I have a tendency not to believe that. I think when you least expect something that's what you get...the least. I don't know. I shouldn't be guessing. I chose the wrong man to marry. I would never trade my kids but I wish I could have looked into the future. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is making the men I meet feel I deserve less. Is my "chooser"off? Or is that all I have to choose from? I was a very good and hardworking wife when married. I did everything for my family. However, I was a 265lb, 30-something woman who was literally dead inside. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror or pictures of myself. I stood behind people or was the one taking the picture. My humor was larger than my physical self to mask my insecurities. I was also self depricating. That's still par for the course. As far as my weight goes, I know I have more to lose but so far I am happy where I am. My life is so chaotic it is hard to think about doing anything additional to concentrate on.
I don't know what to think anymore about men. While working on myself and my current situation I would love to have someone to share it with that is of the opposite sex. I did have that once but there were a lot of things disguised in that relationship/friendship. There were secrets that came about that were hurtful and of course it was long distance. I have a male friend that always tells me that a long distance relationship is doomed to fail. He is probably right. I think a person's fantasy of the a lover far away takes over when in reality we all have habits, idiosyncrasies, faults that aren't seen in the bubble of distant love. The picking of one's teeth at the dinner table or the habit of smoking is something that can easily be erased from one's imaginery love story.
I guess maybe I should define what would be love for me. An intellectual connect with humor and wit. A definite physical attraction.( I know people try and down play physical attraction. I did for a long time because I know it isn't the defining ingredient in a relationship. However, if there isn't a physical attraction to begin with you will be sorry later. Take it from me I know from personal experience.) Someone who you enjoy doing things with and someone who supports you emotionally and physically. Also, a dedication to you and you alone. A person not willing to keep looking for the next best thing. When you have this, you develop a true friendship and bond. When some of these elements aren't there it seems to cause a lot of resentment. This makes you feel like you settled for less. I will never settle for less. I want to be appreciated and frankly I am a very appreciative person. I give as much if not more than I get. And maybe, there in lies the problem.
Am I giving too much of myself away? If this is the case then I don't know what I will do. Frankly, it is the only way I know how to be. I care and love deeply in all my relationships. When you get me, you get all of me.
So the rhetorical question is What do I do? What do I work on, if need be? I'm interested to see how men honestly view me. What their first reaction is when we meet and after we meet what they think then? What would they tell me to improve upon or change? What do married men think that the lasting ingredient is in their marriage? Are they still in love and what makes it worth it? I want to know.
Life is a continuous classroom and love and relationships are no exception. I want to discover the person who would be good for me and how I would be good for them. I really don't want to settle. Is that asking too much?
Everyone says when you least expect it that's when it will come. Really? I have a tendency not to believe that. I think when you least expect something that's what you get...the least. I don't know. I shouldn't be guessing. I chose the wrong man to marry. I would never trade my kids but I wish I could have looked into the future. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is making the men I meet feel I deserve less. Is my "chooser"off? Or is that all I have to choose from? I was a very good and hardworking wife when married. I did everything for my family. However, I was a 265lb, 30-something woman who was literally dead inside. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror or pictures of myself. I stood behind people or was the one taking the picture. My humor was larger than my physical self to mask my insecurities. I was also self depricating. That's still par for the course. As far as my weight goes, I know I have more to lose but so far I am happy where I am. My life is so chaotic it is hard to think about doing anything additional to concentrate on.
I don't know what to think anymore about men. While working on myself and my current situation I would love to have someone to share it with that is of the opposite sex. I did have that once but there were a lot of things disguised in that relationship/friendship. There were secrets that came about that were hurtful and of course it was long distance. I have a male friend that always tells me that a long distance relationship is doomed to fail. He is probably right. I think a person's fantasy of the a lover far away takes over when in reality we all have habits, idiosyncrasies, faults that aren't seen in the bubble of distant love. The picking of one's teeth at the dinner table or the habit of smoking is something that can easily be erased from one's imaginery love story.
I guess maybe I should define what would be love for me. An intellectual connect with humor and wit. A definite physical attraction.( I know people try and down play physical attraction. I did for a long time because I know it isn't the defining ingredient in a relationship. However, if there isn't a physical attraction to begin with you will be sorry later. Take it from me I know from personal experience.) Someone who you enjoy doing things with and someone who supports you emotionally and physically. Also, a dedication to you and you alone. A person not willing to keep looking for the next best thing. When you have this, you develop a true friendship and bond. When some of these elements aren't there it seems to cause a lot of resentment. This makes you feel like you settled for less. I will never settle for less. I want to be appreciated and frankly I am a very appreciative person. I give as much if not more than I get. And maybe, there in lies the problem.
Am I giving too much of myself away? If this is the case then I don't know what I will do. Frankly, it is the only way I know how to be. I care and love deeply in all my relationships. When you get me, you get all of me.
So the rhetorical question is What do I do? What do I work on, if need be? I'm interested to see how men honestly view me. What their first reaction is when we meet and after we meet what they think then? What would they tell me to improve upon or change? What do married men think that the lasting ingredient is in their marriage? Are they still in love and what makes it worth it? I want to know.
Life is a continuous classroom and love and relationships are no exception. I want to discover the person who would be good for me and how I would be good for them. I really don't want to settle. Is that asking too much?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Reality in a Passing
It happened as soon as I took exit 111. A feeling of apprehension. I already missed South Bend even though my body was so ready to get out of the car and relax at home. Yes, I had to sleep on the couch back at my folks but it was comfortable. I became so comfortable that I forgot all the tv channels here and even my new home phone number. Sad, I know.
As soon as we got out of the car the neighbor boy who had been watching the dogs came up to me telling me details about the dogs. He waited as we unlocked the door and walked in with us. If he was wanting to be paid he was going to have to wait. My first thought was "Geez, I can't even walk through the door." I sent him home.
After getting home, the dogs were crazy because I'm sure after a month they thought we were never returning. I had to make dinner and at least put suitcases into appropriate rooms. Then I got a call that I wasn't prepared for from a friend. On top of trying to process the whole previous weekend with what I saw, especially last Friday night, looking toward the immediate future and what I need to do to prepare for a couple of job interviews, I kept thinking about a classmate that I grew up with that took his life. It really disturbed me. I guess because in the recent past I had been that low. My state of relaxation was blown.
As I walked the dogs at 8pm the sky was absolutely magnificent. The clouds were extraordinary with pink, gold and some purple. "How deceiving paradise can be." I thought. Then I thought about my classmate David who took his life. When we were kids he was not very nice to me. He called me "Sleeztack" a character from Land of the Lost that had big eyes like myself. He wasn't a very nice kid in general. Up through highschool I didn't have much contact with him as we didn't have a lot of classes together. Then a few years ago, I saw him on classmates.com or something like that and found out he served in the military. I emailed him and told him that I appreciated his service to our country. He was thankful and very polite. That left a lasting impression on me.
This past weekend, right after my 25 yr highschool reunion, I found out David had killed himself a few years back. I was shocked! He always seemed to have a hard shell. Maybe there was something in his family life growing up that nobody knew. How sad to know he felt he needed to go away permanently. I just can't get him off my mind.
Now I'm back to reality. The kids are fighting over the damned Wii, one dog is up at 2am wanting out and then still peeing in the hallway later on, and the kids are standing over my bed wondering where breakfast is. I am ready for a change. I've got to get out of this state of being. Even as I type this, I wonder where David is in the scheme of things. What is his state of being? I still see his blue eyes, freckles and his white/blonde hair. I'm humbled by his passing. Life is too short. I hope he still has a mission, a purpose in the after life. So what am I going to do about my own state of being, my own purpose, my own mission? I guess it's time for the answers.
As soon as we got out of the car the neighbor boy who had been watching the dogs came up to me telling me details about the dogs. He waited as we unlocked the door and walked in with us. If he was wanting to be paid he was going to have to wait. My first thought was "Geez, I can't even walk through the door." I sent him home.
After getting home, the dogs were crazy because I'm sure after a month they thought we were never returning. I had to make dinner and at least put suitcases into appropriate rooms. Then I got a call that I wasn't prepared for from a friend. On top of trying to process the whole previous weekend with what I saw, especially last Friday night, looking toward the immediate future and what I need to do to prepare for a couple of job interviews, I kept thinking about a classmate that I grew up with that took his life. It really disturbed me. I guess because in the recent past I had been that low. My state of relaxation was blown.
As I walked the dogs at 8pm the sky was absolutely magnificent. The clouds were extraordinary with pink, gold and some purple. "How deceiving paradise can be." I thought. Then I thought about my classmate David who took his life. When we were kids he was not very nice to me. He called me "Sleeztack" a character from Land of the Lost that had big eyes like myself. He wasn't a very nice kid in general. Up through highschool I didn't have much contact with him as we didn't have a lot of classes together. Then a few years ago, I saw him on classmates.com or something like that and found out he served in the military. I emailed him and told him that I appreciated his service to our country. He was thankful and very polite. That left a lasting impression on me.
This past weekend, right after my 25 yr highschool reunion, I found out David had killed himself a few years back. I was shocked! He always seemed to have a hard shell. Maybe there was something in his family life growing up that nobody knew. How sad to know he felt he needed to go away permanently. I just can't get him off my mind.
Now I'm back to reality. The kids are fighting over the damned Wii, one dog is up at 2am wanting out and then still peeing in the hallway later on, and the kids are standing over my bed wondering where breakfast is. I am ready for a change. I've got to get out of this state of being. Even as I type this, I wonder where David is in the scheme of things. What is his state of being? I still see his blue eyes, freckles and his white/blonde hair. I'm humbled by his passing. Life is too short. I hope he still has a mission, a purpose in the after life. So what am I going to do about my own state of being, my own purpose, my own mission? I guess it's time for the answers.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Faith
Two days until my 25 yr reunion, three days until I leave to go back to Florida and plenty on my mind. However, as much as of an angst-filled day I've had, I feel vindicated in my beliefs and actions today. I have a sick mother who has been in and out of the hospital too numerous times to count in the past twenty years. However, she seems to have more lives than a cat. I think it's because she has a will of steel. When I think back in time she has made no regrets about her life. Today I feel like I am hoping I can make my way from now on like her. Making my way with great faith.
I guess the disagreement/ argument I had today with someone close to me has made me want to do the things I need to do on my own. I'm tired, frustrated and just not willing to wait any more. This has put a fire under me and I'm glad. It makes me feel more secure in me and the faith of God supporting me.
And if there was any doubt in this, while I was writing this I was scanning the tv stations, I found Joyce Meyer. Whenever I run across her I know she has a message just for me. This time was no different. Her message was loud and clear. I guess I have been so busy looking for the proof of God before I put my faith in Him. I need to build this faith by using my voice over and over. Also, it is quite easy to give into the flesh whenever there is a storm. And it's so easy to talk about the storm. To analyze it. To try and predict where it is heading and it's effect on me and my environment. The doubt that comes from this storm is born from me. The real problem is I believe God can do it but I haven't believed God would do it for me. Why not? I believe in the air that I breathe, that the sun comes out every day yet why is it such a stretch that I can have God's support in anything I need and want to do? All valid questions.
Fear seems to be at the base of faith that is undermined. Really, what do I have to be fearful of? I have been at a low for a long time now. However, there always seems to be room for joy, for laughter, the relishing of my children, my friendships and heck, even a peanut buster parfait. I've finally become tired of fear. It is not motivating me any longer. Here is what is motivating me: Two job possibilities, moving into a place of my own in the future, the family I love and a potential new relationship. Oh yeah, and the Gulf of Mexico. So I'm going to write my fears in the proverbial sand with my staff of faith and watch the tide erase them. And if it takes me many days to continue to write those fears in the sand then watch them wash them away, I always know I will be left with my staff of faith.
I guess the disagreement/ argument I had today with someone close to me has made me want to do the things I need to do on my own. I'm tired, frustrated and just not willing to wait any more. This has put a fire under me and I'm glad. It makes me feel more secure in me and the faith of God supporting me.
And if there was any doubt in this, while I was writing this I was scanning the tv stations, I found Joyce Meyer. Whenever I run across her I know she has a message just for me. This time was no different. Her message was loud and clear. I guess I have been so busy looking for the proof of God before I put my faith in Him. I need to build this faith by using my voice over and over. Also, it is quite easy to give into the flesh whenever there is a storm. And it's so easy to talk about the storm. To analyze it. To try and predict where it is heading and it's effect on me and my environment. The doubt that comes from this storm is born from me. The real problem is I believe God can do it but I haven't believed God would do it for me. Why not? I believe in the air that I breathe, that the sun comes out every day yet why is it such a stretch that I can have God's support in anything I need and want to do? All valid questions.
Fear seems to be at the base of faith that is undermined. Really, what do I have to be fearful of? I have been at a low for a long time now. However, there always seems to be room for joy, for laughter, the relishing of my children, my friendships and heck, even a peanut buster parfait. I've finally become tired of fear. It is not motivating me any longer. Here is what is motivating me: Two job possibilities, moving into a place of my own in the future, the family I love and a potential new relationship. Oh yeah, and the Gulf of Mexico. So I'm going to write my fears in the proverbial sand with my staff of faith and watch the tide erase them. And if it takes me many days to continue to write those fears in the sand then watch them wash them away, I always know I will be left with my staff of faith.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Trip to Hacienda
My friend called me and invited me out for a drink at Hacienda last night. Even though it has been over four years since I lived here it is like second nature to drive the back roads. It is amazing how your body is on auto-pilot. I decided to take Brick to Auten all the way to Portage. As I wound my way around I noticed how lush the trees are here in my little town in Indiana. Florida has its beautiful palms. Indiana has it's evergreens. The trees had grown taller and houses that I had noticed being built had added features to their yards or for sale signs in them. It felt like yesterday that I had driven this route.
As I stopped at the corner of Ironwood and Auten I noticed the setting sun highlighting the decent of the hill on Auten. I felt a little like a kid going down a snowy hill on a flexible flyer. It was fun to speed up and let the car take the lead as I passed by the Clay Fire Department (which oddly looked closer to the road). I then passed the big yellow house, that as an adult, I dreamt of owning, not far from my friend Danielle's childhood home. As I followed the turns around the corners, the street to the left that leads to Clay Highschool seemed smaller and more closed in. The vegetation seemed to have expanded while everything else shrunk in it's shadow. For a moment I thought about my children. If they were with me in the car they would remember this just as it is today. Never knowing what I saw twenty five years earlier as a teenager and yet now noticing the differences. Now I understood when my mom would talk wistfully of her neighborhood back in New Jersey explaining things that had once been there but now weren't. You feel like part of you is gone and it's hard to explain that when someone hasn't seen what you've seen or done what you've done or known who you've known. You just know something is different or a part of your history is missing.
As I rolled to the next stop sign I came to the corner of the house that has the strange face. I don't know if others view a house like I do but I see a face when I look at the front of a home. The windows and door resemble the eyes the mouth and sometimes a nose. This house has always been very strange to me. Looking at it from the front, the right window on the top is much larger than the rest. The eye of this house has always seemed to have a palsey. I have always felt sorry for it. Plus this corner could be busy at times and it had that going against it too. There always seemed to be people living in it. However, for me I couldn't live in a house with an uneven face and with an added traffic problem.
As I travelled over 31 continuing west, I went through the stoplight that if I took a left would lead past a neighborhood that used to have a couple of empty cul-de-sacs when I was in highschool. I know this because this was the only place my boyfriend and I could be alone. I don't know how he found it but it was nice. I guess it's a teenage boy's job to scope out these things. There are homes on the cul-de-sacs now.
I passed St. Patrick's park and I was about to go on the bridge that crossed over the St. Joseph river. If I weren't meeting a friend I would have stopped and took some pictures. I have never done that. Maybe I will while I am still here. It looked beautiful and I couldn't believe I had never been on a boat on the St. Joe. What a perfect summer thing to do.
I passed by Lilac Rd and thought of my friend Micki's mom's house. I would love to see them but I haven't had a chance to catch up with them. Maybe when the kids get back.
I continued on passed a neighborhood we had once taken the kid's trick or treating then up the hill past the house with the giant, brick fortress for a fence that had to have cost more than the house itself in construction. As I drove, I noticed the large, luxurious lawns. My lawn in Florida is the size of a postage stamp and soon it wouldn't be mine at all. Florida grass is coarse and sharp. More like weeds. Plus the fear of snakes and fire ants keep people off of it.
Soon I was turning left onto Portage, almost to my destination. I passed the German Township fire department where we used to buy our Christmas trees and we also did a Stampin' Up class one Saturday morning. So many good memories.
Finally, I turned right into the parking lot of Hacienda which is across from a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Sonic.This used to be a forest. I pulled into a parking space in front of the restaurant. I sat for a moment. I felt like I had just been on a tour. I realized that this little town had given me a good and rich life. I was also grateful for all the small things. Over the years these qualities I noticed surrounded me in my every day life. What made impressions on me and how I came to recognize and link them to an important part of not only where I lived but who I was, what I liked and disliked and what I truly cared about. I'm glad that no matter what life has handed me I am still able to recognize and appreciate the little things. I take comfort in knowing that. I shut the engine off and closed the car door. I knew I would take a different route home just to experience a few more of my favorite hometown sights.
As I stopped at the corner of Ironwood and Auten I noticed the setting sun highlighting the decent of the hill on Auten. I felt a little like a kid going down a snowy hill on a flexible flyer. It was fun to speed up and let the car take the lead as I passed by the Clay Fire Department (which oddly looked closer to the road). I then passed the big yellow house, that as an adult, I dreamt of owning, not far from my friend Danielle's childhood home. As I followed the turns around the corners, the street to the left that leads to Clay Highschool seemed smaller and more closed in. The vegetation seemed to have expanded while everything else shrunk in it's shadow. For a moment I thought about my children. If they were with me in the car they would remember this just as it is today. Never knowing what I saw twenty five years earlier as a teenager and yet now noticing the differences. Now I understood when my mom would talk wistfully of her neighborhood back in New Jersey explaining things that had once been there but now weren't. You feel like part of you is gone and it's hard to explain that when someone hasn't seen what you've seen or done what you've done or known who you've known. You just know something is different or a part of your history is missing.
As I rolled to the next stop sign I came to the corner of the house that has the strange face. I don't know if others view a house like I do but I see a face when I look at the front of a home. The windows and door resemble the eyes the mouth and sometimes a nose. This house has always been very strange to me. Looking at it from the front, the right window on the top is much larger than the rest. The eye of this house has always seemed to have a palsey. I have always felt sorry for it. Plus this corner could be busy at times and it had that going against it too. There always seemed to be people living in it. However, for me I couldn't live in a house with an uneven face and with an added traffic problem.
As I travelled over 31 continuing west, I went through the stoplight that if I took a left would lead past a neighborhood that used to have a couple of empty cul-de-sacs when I was in highschool. I know this because this was the only place my boyfriend and I could be alone. I don't know how he found it but it was nice. I guess it's a teenage boy's job to scope out these things. There are homes on the cul-de-sacs now.
I passed St. Patrick's park and I was about to go on the bridge that crossed over the St. Joseph river. If I weren't meeting a friend I would have stopped and took some pictures. I have never done that. Maybe I will while I am still here. It looked beautiful and I couldn't believe I had never been on a boat on the St. Joe. What a perfect summer thing to do.
I passed by Lilac Rd and thought of my friend Micki's mom's house. I would love to see them but I haven't had a chance to catch up with them. Maybe when the kids get back.
I continued on passed a neighborhood we had once taken the kid's trick or treating then up the hill past the house with the giant, brick fortress for a fence that had to have cost more than the house itself in construction. As I drove, I noticed the large, luxurious lawns. My lawn in Florida is the size of a postage stamp and soon it wouldn't be mine at all. Florida grass is coarse and sharp. More like weeds. Plus the fear of snakes and fire ants keep people off of it.
Soon I was turning left onto Portage, almost to my destination. I passed the German Township fire department where we used to buy our Christmas trees and we also did a Stampin' Up class one Saturday morning. So many good memories.
Finally, I turned right into the parking lot of Hacienda which is across from a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Sonic.This used to be a forest. I pulled into a parking space in front of the restaurant. I sat for a moment. I felt like I had just been on a tour. I realized that this little town had given me a good and rich life. I was also grateful for all the small things. Over the years these qualities I noticed surrounded me in my every day life. What made impressions on me and how I came to recognize and link them to an important part of not only where I lived but who I was, what I liked and disliked and what I truly cared about. I'm glad that no matter what life has handed me I am still able to recognize and appreciate the little things. I take comfort in knowing that. I shut the engine off and closed the car door. I knew I would take a different route home just to experience a few more of my favorite hometown sights.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Nothing
Trying to be in a holding pattern is hard for me. I am always assessing, planning and researching. I have a wonderful friend who has told me that I need to stop "thinking". In essence, for me that also includes worrying and doing, as well. God is who I need to wait on and all I need. For a great while I have felt that God is sending me a message that I am not comprehending. In my conversations with God I've even said "God, you need to make your message very plain and clear to me otherwise it is going to pass me by." I know that the reason my life is where it is at is because I keep doing the same thing over and over to no avail. But what do you do when you don't know any other way? The answer I believe is in doing nothing. Not going over and over in your mind about it. Not rehashing it with others and not stewing in the feelings that come from the past. Work on what is given to you in the present and put your concentration there. This wonderful friend is a messenger to me. He lives his life in the now and the future. When something is over with, he says keep moving and he doesn't look back.
I think God also sends messages through people who are in our lives. The friend I mentioned above is a wealth of information and life experience. I am envious of his relationship with God and his connection to his faith. I aspire to attain that. He is not the only one. Last night a friend I have not seen since highschool came out to meet us. She had said she had been in her parent's jacuzzi. I mentioned to her that my folks had a jacuzzi tub but I had never been in it. She was shocked that I had not been in it. When she asked me why I hadn't, I didn't really have an answer. I have a great deal of time on my hands yet I neglected to think about doing that for myself. It is becoming painfully obvious that I am waiting for permission to live my life in so many ways. A jacuzzi bath is even on that list. This friend was emphatic that I soak in it at least three times before my folks came home and she wanted me to report to her that I had done it. I guess it feels so self indulgent. However, perhaps it is highly necessary. At the very least, I don't want to let my friend down.
Also, I think it is necessary that in this holding pattern and in my quest to do nothing, I be thankful. I truly do have so much to be thankful for: A God who loves me with all my flaws, two wonderful, funny children, giving and gracious parents, a caring brother and sister-in-law and an awe-inspiring group of friends who show me their love and interest in my life. God and the people around me are the nourishment I need. It is through them I receive my greatest gifts and the reminder that I need nothing else.
I think God also sends messages through people who are in our lives. The friend I mentioned above is a wealth of information and life experience. I am envious of his relationship with God and his connection to his faith. I aspire to attain that. He is not the only one. Last night a friend I have not seen since highschool came out to meet us. She had said she had been in her parent's jacuzzi. I mentioned to her that my folks had a jacuzzi tub but I had never been in it. She was shocked that I had not been in it. When she asked me why I hadn't, I didn't really have an answer. I have a great deal of time on my hands yet I neglected to think about doing that for myself. It is becoming painfully obvious that I am waiting for permission to live my life in so many ways. A jacuzzi bath is even on that list. This friend was emphatic that I soak in it at least three times before my folks came home and she wanted me to report to her that I had done it. I guess it feels so self indulgent. However, perhaps it is highly necessary. At the very least, I don't want to let my friend down.
Also, I think it is necessary that in this holding pattern and in my quest to do nothing, I be thankful. I truly do have so much to be thankful for: A God who loves me with all my flaws, two wonderful, funny children, giving and gracious parents, a caring brother and sister-in-law and an awe-inspiring group of friends who show me their love and interest in my life. God and the people around me are the nourishment I need. It is through them I receive my greatest gifts and the reminder that I need nothing else.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Passing through the Neighborhood of Introspection
I slowly drove up the hill. I had done this simple act what felt like a million times in my life. This time I was only driving past. It was dark out. I could see the trash cans against the garage door. As I passed slowly I could see through the picture window into the kitchen to the kitchen window. I could see the window valance. It was mine. They still had it up. Instantaneously I felt like crying. I could never go in again. The only house I had ever known growing up and then purchasing it as an adult was occupied by other people and would always be.
This feeling lingered with me as I wound my way through the other subdivisions to my parents' home where I am staying. I looked up at the moon and it seemed to be simmering in a haze. I heard loud, in a clear voice inside me say "You can never go back." The longer I spend in South Bend, the more I miss about it, however. As I travelled the back roads tonight my imagination pulled a memory forward of a snowy night where the snow is swirling and twisting and dancing on the road. I haven't seen snow in over 4 years. Snow reminds me of Christmas Eve and luminaires, mid-winter euchre parties, running noses as you bend to hoist the snow off the driveway onto the snow-covered grass. Did I want to come back to that? I've never been fond of snow or winter for that matter. Sometimes though, you want what you can't have.
I'm jobless and penniless yet rich with family and friends. It think about the idealic childhood I had here. Even the beginning of my children's lives were started here. Cook-outs, tee ball, soccer and church functions kept us busy. I don't have that in Florida. Now I have friends here that I have known for years that are also going through divorce and are my age. Can't I have the best of both worlds? Can't I take all these people and experience back down to Florida? Why can't someone just find me a fantastic job right here? My kids would benefit from the experiences here. I am struggling with where I can, should and be allowed to be. There doesn't seem to be an answer. I just want to be happy but most of all do the right thing.
This feeling lingered with me as I wound my way through the other subdivisions to my parents' home where I am staying. I looked up at the moon and it seemed to be simmering in a haze. I heard loud, in a clear voice inside me say "You can never go back." The longer I spend in South Bend, the more I miss about it, however. As I travelled the back roads tonight my imagination pulled a memory forward of a snowy night where the snow is swirling and twisting and dancing on the road. I haven't seen snow in over 4 years. Snow reminds me of Christmas Eve and luminaires, mid-winter euchre parties, running noses as you bend to hoist the snow off the driveway onto the snow-covered grass. Did I want to come back to that? I've never been fond of snow or winter for that matter. Sometimes though, you want what you can't have.
I'm jobless and penniless yet rich with family and friends. It think about the idealic childhood I had here. Even the beginning of my children's lives were started here. Cook-outs, tee ball, soccer and church functions kept us busy. I don't have that in Florida. Now I have friends here that I have known for years that are also going through divorce and are my age. Can't I have the best of both worlds? Can't I take all these people and experience back down to Florida? Why can't someone just find me a fantastic job right here? My kids would benefit from the experiences here. I am struggling with where I can, should and be allowed to be. There doesn't seem to be an answer. I just want to be happy but most of all do the right thing.
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Little Things...
Today is the start of a two week period where I will be entirely by myself. No kids, family or dogs. Just me. I want to make sure I relish these moments I have because, as we all know, this kind of freedom usually only comes when you are single, young, with no children. Plus, I'm not even in my own home so doing little projects around the house is out of the question. So truly, this is time to myself.
The day, though not momentous, was indeed productive and meaningful. My car window was fixed earlier than expected, I was able to get a special treat of a caramel mocha coffee with hazelnut flavoring at McDonald's and then went home all before 10am.
My day proceeded with emails and, most importantly, prepping myself for a job I am interviewing for in Student Financial Aid. I have not been in the field for some time, however, I found myself fascinated with the changes I had discovered to policies and procedures. It actually got me excited about the possibility of doing this type of work and working with the students all over again. I am anxious for this opportunity to pan out.
This good feeling followed me throughout the rest of my day. I went to the post office and then to the cemetery. This is the second time I've been to the cemetery since being back in Indiana. I always visit my best friend's mother's grave first. "Sunshine" had a special place in my life. She was the first adult I had really known outside my family. She has been gone 8 yrs now. I can't believe it. I stood at her grave with her parents' grave near by, as well. I kissed my lips to my hand and gave it to her headstone. I can still hear her voice and her laugh. There is some guilt not living in Indiana any more. I can't watch over her grave like I used to for my best friend. I actually looked forward to visiting it and talking to her. Remembering her fondly brought back that good feeling that had been passing through me today. From her grave, I moved on to my brother's.
Standing at my brother's grave is very bittersweet. I know with all my heart that he is in a phenomenal place. The reason I know this is the day I learned of his death, I swore I heard his voice in my head saying "Koren, you are never going to believe what it's like here. It is so awesome I can't even describe it." It still doesn't take away the fact that 6 years later I want him to be with me here, in person. I am just hoping that he is behind the scenes making a path for me that will get me out of this rough patch. That, in itself, brought a smile to my face. While standing there, gazing down at his name and the pink bunny my daughter had brought last week, I realized I didn't have to hurry and be anywhere. I could plant myself (figuratively) and stay for awhile.
The ground was wet so I got a trash bag from the car and sat on it facing my brother's headstone with the sun to my back. I picked the soft grass and tried to braid it. It's softness brought to mind the coarseness of Florida's grass and how Indiana grass was like soft carpet to me. I watched ants wander up blades of grass and out of the dirt and one crawled on my knee. I had to remind myself that Indiana ants weren't the fire ant variety we have in Florida and I should not be alarmed. It was nice to just sit there, examining all the little things around me. It made me happy to know that if I wanted to, I could lie there all day if the feeling struck me. What else did I have to do?
After sitting there on my plastic bag for an undetermined amount of time, I decided to walk the majority of the cemetery. What caught my attention was the tranquilness of the grass and trees surrounded by the constant movement, the traffic sounds and sights of the cars passing around the cemetery. Didn't people recognize that all their busyness would come to a halt and soon they would potentially be here? It was an ironic scene to me: the meaninglessness of the present to meaningfulness of the future. It was futile to try and rationalize it. I just turned my eyes to the sky and felt the sun's warmth. That was the only answer I needed.
From there, a quick run to Walmart. It had been so long since I had been in this Walmart. It was clean. Yes, clean. The same cannot be said for my Walmart back home. It was organized, too. As I went to get the couple of items I needed, I bumped into a girl I've known since grammar school. It was nice to catch up, standing there, realizing internally, that I didn't have to rush. Imagine, no rushing. No dogs to walk or feed. No children to wrangle. Just a conversation. An adult conversation, at that. As we bid our good-byes and I headed to the check out, the best surprise waited for me there. The cheap bottle of wine I had in my cart prompted my check out gal to ask for my ID. My ID!!! I can't remember the last time I had that done. I told her, at 42, she could check my ID anytime she wanted to. My highschool reunion is coming up. Either this was a good sign about my appearance, a fluke by an inexperienced Walmart associate or it could have been just a store policy, I didn't care. I was basking in it. It could have been worse. It could have been Preperation H I was purchasing and they needed a price check as my 7 year old whined about not getting some candy or gum. Yes, this was a good day.
As I drove out of the Walmart parking lot, I realized it was truly the small and what may seem like insignificant things that really added up to a glorious day. The fact that I have 10, working fingers to type this blog. The fact that I get to wear shorts today and the fact that I can even have one more day on this earth to write about is all meaningful. I wouldn't trade a thing.
The day, though not momentous, was indeed productive and meaningful. My car window was fixed earlier than expected, I was able to get a special treat of a caramel mocha coffee with hazelnut flavoring at McDonald's and then went home all before 10am.
My day proceeded with emails and, most importantly, prepping myself for a job I am interviewing for in Student Financial Aid. I have not been in the field for some time, however, I found myself fascinated with the changes I had discovered to policies and procedures. It actually got me excited about the possibility of doing this type of work and working with the students all over again. I am anxious for this opportunity to pan out.
This good feeling followed me throughout the rest of my day. I went to the post office and then to the cemetery. This is the second time I've been to the cemetery since being back in Indiana. I always visit my best friend's mother's grave first. "Sunshine" had a special place in my life. She was the first adult I had really known outside my family. She has been gone 8 yrs now. I can't believe it. I stood at her grave with her parents' grave near by, as well. I kissed my lips to my hand and gave it to her headstone. I can still hear her voice and her laugh. There is some guilt not living in Indiana any more. I can't watch over her grave like I used to for my best friend. I actually looked forward to visiting it and talking to her. Remembering her fondly brought back that good feeling that had been passing through me today. From her grave, I moved on to my brother's.
Standing at my brother's grave is very bittersweet. I know with all my heart that he is in a phenomenal place. The reason I know this is the day I learned of his death, I swore I heard his voice in my head saying "Koren, you are never going to believe what it's like here. It is so awesome I can't even describe it." It still doesn't take away the fact that 6 years later I want him to be with me here, in person. I am just hoping that he is behind the scenes making a path for me that will get me out of this rough patch. That, in itself, brought a smile to my face. While standing there, gazing down at his name and the pink bunny my daughter had brought last week, I realized I didn't have to hurry and be anywhere. I could plant myself (figuratively) and stay for awhile.
The ground was wet so I got a trash bag from the car and sat on it facing my brother's headstone with the sun to my back. I picked the soft grass and tried to braid it. It's softness brought to mind the coarseness of Florida's grass and how Indiana grass was like soft carpet to me. I watched ants wander up blades of grass and out of the dirt and one crawled on my knee. I had to remind myself that Indiana ants weren't the fire ant variety we have in Florida and I should not be alarmed. It was nice to just sit there, examining all the little things around me. It made me happy to know that if I wanted to, I could lie there all day if the feeling struck me. What else did I have to do?
After sitting there on my plastic bag for an undetermined amount of time, I decided to walk the majority of the cemetery. What caught my attention was the tranquilness of the grass and trees surrounded by the constant movement, the traffic sounds and sights of the cars passing around the cemetery. Didn't people recognize that all their busyness would come to a halt and soon they would potentially be here? It was an ironic scene to me: the meaninglessness of the present to meaningfulness of the future. It was futile to try and rationalize it. I just turned my eyes to the sky and felt the sun's warmth. That was the only answer I needed.
From there, a quick run to Walmart. It had been so long since I had been in this Walmart. It was clean. Yes, clean. The same cannot be said for my Walmart back home. It was organized, too. As I went to get the couple of items I needed, I bumped into a girl I've known since grammar school. It was nice to catch up, standing there, realizing internally, that I didn't have to rush. Imagine, no rushing. No dogs to walk or feed. No children to wrangle. Just a conversation. An adult conversation, at that. As we bid our good-byes and I headed to the check out, the best surprise waited for me there. The cheap bottle of wine I had in my cart prompted my check out gal to ask for my ID. My ID!!! I can't remember the last time I had that done. I told her, at 42, she could check my ID anytime she wanted to. My highschool reunion is coming up. Either this was a good sign about my appearance, a fluke by an inexperienced Walmart associate or it could have been just a store policy, I didn't care. I was basking in it. It could have been worse. It could have been Preperation H I was purchasing and they needed a price check as my 7 year old whined about not getting some candy or gum. Yes, this was a good day.
As I drove out of the Walmart parking lot, I realized it was truly the small and what may seem like insignificant things that really added up to a glorious day. The fact that I have 10, working fingers to type this blog. The fact that I get to wear shorts today and the fact that I can even have one more day on this earth to write about is all meaningful. I wouldn't trade a thing.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I Must Have That Kind of Face...
Today my son discovered that someone, overnight, smashed in the car door window and stole my ipod. Normally, this wouldn't be that traumatic since it will be a simple replacement of the window and not too costly. However, my financial situation is such that tonight I told my 7 year old she couldn't have a quarter for the gum ball machine.
I have to admit, I cried a little. When you are going through not just one situation but multiple situations that seem to never be resolving themselves, it's daunting. I am blessed, however. I have a loving family and I just happen to be home visiting when this happened. It just seems that monetarily and emotionally I have leaned on them a great deal and it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. I don't like to continually be reliant on others this way. Plus, I didn't want this to create anxiety in my life. I had, what I thought was and interview, tonight and I didn't want it to effect my demeanor or confidence.
For the interview, I met with this lovely woman and it turns out the job I thought I was meeting with her about was already filled. However, she and I have been in contact for some time and she wanted to find out what I was interested in doing and to see if she could get my resume circulated. Interestingly, there was more to this meeting than met the eye.
We talked about the school and her job but what we talked about for a better part of an hour was about life. We talked about her divorce, my divorce, my soon-to-be high school reunion and her past reunion, children, goals, parents, death and the meaning behind when you watch a person pass away and faith. Yes, I know you are probably are thinking "How do you get to that kind of discussion during a introductory meeting/interview?". All I can say is I must have that kind of face. It happens a lot. People open up to me about their lives in sometimes the most personal of ways. I have to say, I too, am an open book. Perhaps this is why this so easily happens. I am not afraid of my history and I suppose this shows.
Nobody should be afraid of their history. It's the future that can be frightening. However, it should be perceived as exciting and an adventure verses something to be feared. I use to be in that place when I was in my 20s and childless. Even so, I always thought I could be much more adventurous than I was. It was true, there are so many things I should have taken a chance on and done. Now it is not so easy when you have young children and laws and guidelines that you have to adhere to. It should be easier but it's harder. I just want my history to be something not only my children are proud of but I am proud of ,as well. I want to live life to the nth degree and have as little regrets as possible. I want my children to know to never be afraid of their past or their future. Most importantly, to make it their own.
Meeting with this lovely woman, gave me another example that my journey is not only in the big things but the every day meetings and conversations. The value in all the people around you. I've learned that each of these experiences with others is an equal trade in connection and validation. They all add value and various perspectives to your life and how you can move forward. This is my goal, to move forward, to create a fantastic past and a phenomenal future in the absence of fear.
I have to admit, I cried a little. When you are going through not just one situation but multiple situations that seem to never be resolving themselves, it's daunting. I am blessed, however. I have a loving family and I just happen to be home visiting when this happened. It just seems that monetarily and emotionally I have leaned on them a great deal and it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. I don't like to continually be reliant on others this way. Plus, I didn't want this to create anxiety in my life. I had, what I thought was and interview, tonight and I didn't want it to effect my demeanor or confidence.
For the interview, I met with this lovely woman and it turns out the job I thought I was meeting with her about was already filled. However, she and I have been in contact for some time and she wanted to find out what I was interested in doing and to see if she could get my resume circulated. Interestingly, there was more to this meeting than met the eye.
We talked about the school and her job but what we talked about for a better part of an hour was about life. We talked about her divorce, my divorce, my soon-to-be high school reunion and her past reunion, children, goals, parents, death and the meaning behind when you watch a person pass away and faith. Yes, I know you are probably are thinking "How do you get to that kind of discussion during a introductory meeting/interview?". All I can say is I must have that kind of face. It happens a lot. People open up to me about their lives in sometimes the most personal of ways. I have to say, I too, am an open book. Perhaps this is why this so easily happens. I am not afraid of my history and I suppose this shows.
Nobody should be afraid of their history. It's the future that can be frightening. However, it should be perceived as exciting and an adventure verses something to be feared. I use to be in that place when I was in my 20s and childless. Even so, I always thought I could be much more adventurous than I was. It was true, there are so many things I should have taken a chance on and done. Now it is not so easy when you have young children and laws and guidelines that you have to adhere to. It should be easier but it's harder. I just want my history to be something not only my children are proud of but I am proud of ,as well. I want to live life to the nth degree and have as little regrets as possible. I want my children to know to never be afraid of their past or their future. Most importantly, to make it their own.
Meeting with this lovely woman, gave me another example that my journey is not only in the big things but the every day meetings and conversations. The value in all the people around you. I've learned that each of these experiences with others is an equal trade in connection and validation. They all add value and various perspectives to your life and how you can move forward. This is my goal, to move forward, to create a fantastic past and a phenomenal future in the absence of fear.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Learning of a Lesson
How do we learn lessons? In school we are given books and projects to show us things that we are to absorb. Recalling this way of learning makes me take note that there is so much that I don't recall from this type of experience. It was digested then regurgitated for a quiz, test or paper. But what did it mean? Not much, apparently.
I think there are a good number of us that live and learn experientially. This requires that we are immersed in situations, feelings, reactions, observations, actions, thoughts and perceptions. This seems to be the most effective way of learning, whether we desire the lesson or not.
Tonight I met with a friend who I have shared a separate but similar experience with. I won't go into details but she expressed to me what she learned from it. Though the experience was virtually the same as mine, we each took something different from it. I was impressed with her outlook and her take on the situation. It was obvious her conceptualization was that of a realist. Mine comes from an emotional base. She shared with me things that I had not thought of and it is requiring me to look deeper within myself at how I process my experiences and the world around me.
Because the way I conceptualize my world is emotional, I am coming to the realization that I need to develop the ability to be purely observational. Emotionality can make a person reactionary. Sometimes it is the ability to observe that is the greatest gift. The gift of time. The gift of logically developing avenues of recourse. The ability to literally just sit in the moment.
Sitting with my friend, I thought about all the things I need answers for in my life. However, just acknowledging that perhaps this is the time to just observe, gave me some peace. There is no way I can have my questions answered tonight, as I sit drinking a glass of wine. Why not sit in the moment? If I don't have the answer, wondering when it will come isn't going to make it come any faster.
So here I am. I'm not going to wonder what will be. I am just going to sit, wait and observe. Who knows? I may actually learn something and the answer may lie within that lesson.
I think there are a good number of us that live and learn experientially. This requires that we are immersed in situations, feelings, reactions, observations, actions, thoughts and perceptions. This seems to be the most effective way of learning, whether we desire the lesson or not.
Tonight I met with a friend who I have shared a separate but similar experience with. I won't go into details but she expressed to me what she learned from it. Though the experience was virtually the same as mine, we each took something different from it. I was impressed with her outlook and her take on the situation. It was obvious her conceptualization was that of a realist. Mine comes from an emotional base. She shared with me things that I had not thought of and it is requiring me to look deeper within myself at how I process my experiences and the world around me.
Because the way I conceptualize my world is emotional, I am coming to the realization that I need to develop the ability to be purely observational. Emotionality can make a person reactionary. Sometimes it is the ability to observe that is the greatest gift. The gift of time. The gift of logically developing avenues of recourse. The ability to literally just sit in the moment.
Sitting with my friend, I thought about all the things I need answers for in my life. However, just acknowledging that perhaps this is the time to just observe, gave me some peace. There is no way I can have my questions answered tonight, as I sit drinking a glass of wine. Why not sit in the moment? If I don't have the answer, wondering when it will come isn't going to make it come any faster.
So here I am. I'm not going to wonder what will be. I am just going to sit, wait and observe. Who knows? I may actually learn something and the answer may lie within that lesson.
The Refiner
Welcome to my blog! This is one of my favorite stories. It is this story that I am basing my blog around. Sometimes life gives us situations that we find exceedingly difficult to bare and live through. However, this story reminds me that life's trials only make us stronger and more in God's image.
Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:
"And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).
One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.
She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"
"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.
Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"
"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."
-Author Unknown
I am very excited about this journey of writing and communicating with anyone who is interested. I hope you will be with me on my journey. I encourage you to comment.
For those that are friends of mine of Facebook, I may reprint stories I have shared there. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you see something familiar. Thanks to all for taking this journey with me.
All My Best,
Koren
Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:
"And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).
One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.
She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"
"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.
Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"
"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."
-Author Unknown
I am very excited about this journey of writing and communicating with anyone who is interested. I hope you will be with me on my journey. I encourage you to comment.
For those that are friends of mine of Facebook, I may reprint stories I have shared there. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you see something familiar. Thanks to all for taking this journey with me.
All My Best,
Koren
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