Passing through the Neighborhood of Introspection

I slowly drove up the hill. I had done this simple act what felt like a million times in my life. This time I was only driving past. It was dark out. I could see the trash cans against the garage door. As I passed slowly I could see through the picture window into the kitchen to the kitchen window. I could see the window valance.  It was mine. They still had it up. Instantaneously I felt like crying. I could never go in again.  The only house I had ever known growing up and then purchasing it as an adult was occupied by other people and would always be.

This feeling lingered with me as I wound my way through the other subdivisions to my parents' home where I am staying. I looked up at the moon and it seemed to be simmering in a haze. I heard loud, in a clear voice inside me say "You can never go back."  The longer I spend in South Bend, the more I miss about it, however. As I travelled the back roads tonight my imagination pulled a memory forward of a snowy night where the snow is swirling and twisting and dancing on the road. I haven't seen snow in over 4 years. Snow reminds me of Christmas Eve and luminaires, mid-winter euchre parties, running noses as you bend to hoist the snow off the driveway onto the snow-covered grass. Did I want to come back to that? I've never been fond of snow or winter for that matter. Sometimes though, you want what you can't have.

I'm jobless and penniless yet rich with family and friends.  It think about the idealic childhood I had here. Even the beginning of my children's lives were started here.  Cook-outs, tee ball, soccer and church functions kept us busy. I don't have that in Florida. Now I have friends here that I have known for years that are also going through divorce and are my age. Can't I have the best of both worlds? Can't I take all these people and experience back down to Florida?  Why can't someone just find me a fantastic job right here? My kids would benefit from the experiences here. I am struggling with where I can, should and be allowed to be. There doesn't seem to be an answer. I just want to be happy but most of all do the right thing.