Peace

Staring at this blank page I have the need to write but not sure where to begin or how to put it down. The words "Peace" keep running through my head. It's what my neighbor said to me repeatedly as I asked he, his wife and family if they could watch my children so I could come to see what was going to happen with my very ill mother here in Indiana. The tears were flowing and knowing my children's father refused to watch his own children on the days I was suppose to have them made it almost impossible for me to stop.  I thank God every day for good neighbors, good friends and good family. How do you say "Thank You" adequately enough? I don't think there is a way. However, I'm going to try.

Peace.  It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself.  That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.

 My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side.  My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job.  She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live?  This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.

Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.

When I'm Ready...

Tonight I fell asleep some time after 9pm and before 10 on the couch. I woke up to my dog licking my hand as I was laying on the couch. I got up and went to the office to check, of course, good ole facebook. 

As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love.  He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like.  It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.

This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with.  Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)

Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.

After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.

Revelations and the "T Test"

What I'm going to write about I can't really take credit for personally. When I went to church tonight I had many revelations. Pastor Wicker, as well as my Divorce Care group, helped make them come about for me. Plus, let's face it, these are all messages from God so He is the only one who can take the glory in this. I guess I'm just opening up more and seeing everything I need to see that is communicated to me. As the evening went on I was worried that I would not remember all the jewels I was learning but hopefully what I write here will do good to someone other than myself. If not, it is a record of what I am learning.  I know that I have gained a lot by hearing the message. Now the goal is to have it sink it in and live it.

From my past postings I must seem bi-polar.  In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand.  I try to keep that at the forefront.

During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test".  This little test was the huge revelation of the evening.  The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:

What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?

Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you.  I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment.  It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God.  This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse.  I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most.  I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.

I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.

Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do?  They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like.  They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time.  They want to do what pleases that other person.  What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him.  I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is.  If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.

Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself.  That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food.  There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."

For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it.  I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do.  Kind of like salt that melts the snow.  At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine.  By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.

The Butterfly at Night

It occurred to me that you never see a butterfly at night.
You could strain your eyes into the darkness, every evening, with nothing to gain.
In my dreams I see them there, waving at me ready to take flight.
Though I've never seen one, no matter how hard I try. Staring in the blackness of the sky, it is always in vain.
So where is their dwelling place? Their retreat for slumber deep?
In my heart of hearts I wish to know this and forever the secret I will keep.
Life is not worth knowing without the butterfly, more mundane and more than a tad bit trite.
So I wait until the morning for them to come from their hiding place. I would wait forever for just a glimpse of their total grace.

Relationships, Love and Not Settling

Today is a lazy day yet the ole brain is never resting. It has been a time of reflection about me and my past relationships, with men, of course. The dating scene at over 40 is a lot different than in my teens and twenties. You have children and their schedule to wrangle. Plus, I am a firm believer in not introducing my children to anyone unless it is a serious relationship. However, momma needs some love.

Everyone says when you least expect it that's when it will come. Really? I have a tendency not to believe that. I think when you least expect something that's what you get...the least. I don't know. I shouldn't be guessing. I chose the wrong man to marry. I would never trade my kids but I wish I could have looked into the future. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is making the men I meet feel I deserve less. Is my "chooser"off? Or is that all I have to choose from? I was a very good and hardworking wife when married. I did everything for my family. However, I was a 265lb, 30-something woman who was literally dead inside. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror or pictures of myself. I stood behind people or was the one taking the picture. My humor was larger than my physical self to mask my insecurities. I was also self depricating. That's still par for the course. As far as my weight goes, I know I have more to lose but so far I am happy where I am. My life is so chaotic it is hard to think about doing anything additional to concentrate on.

I don't know what to think anymore about men. While working on myself and my current situation I would love to have someone to share it with that is of the opposite sex. I did have that once but there were a lot of things disguised in that relationship/friendship.  There were secrets that came about that were hurtful and of course it was long distance.  I have a male friend that always tells me that a long distance relationship is doomed to fail. He is probably right. I think a person's fantasy of the a lover far away takes over when in reality we all have habits, idiosyncrasies, faults that aren't seen in the bubble of distant love. The picking of one's teeth at the dinner table or the habit of smoking is something that can easily be erased from one's imaginery love story.

I guess maybe I should define what would be love for me. An intellectual connect with humor and wit. A definite physical attraction.( I know people try and down play physical attraction. I did for a long time because I know it isn't the defining ingredient in a relationship. However, if there isn't a physical attraction to begin with you will be sorry later. Take it from me I know from personal experience.) Someone who you enjoy doing things with and someone who supports you emotionally and physically. Also, a dedication to you and you alone. A person not willing to keep looking for the next best thing. When you have this, you develop a true friendship and bond. When some of these elements aren't there it seems to cause a lot of resentment. This makes you feel like you settled for less. I will never settle for less. I want to be appreciated and frankly I am a very appreciative person. I give as much if not more than I get. And maybe, there in lies the problem.
Am I giving too much of myself away? If this is the case then I don't know what I will do. Frankly, it is the only way I know how to be. I care and love deeply in all my relationships. When you get me, you get all of me.

So the rhetorical question is What do I do? What do I work on, if need be? I'm interested to see how men honestly view me. What their first reaction is when we meet and after we meet what they think then? What would they tell me to improve upon or change? What do married men think that the lasting ingredient is in their marriage? Are they still in love and what makes it worth it? I want to know.

Life is a continuous classroom and love and relationships are no exception. I want to discover the person who would be good for me and how I would be good for them. I really don't want to settle.  Is that asking too much?

Reality in a Passing

It happened as soon as I took exit 111. A feeling of apprehension. I already missed South Bend even though my body was so ready to get out of the car and relax at home. Yes, I had to sleep on the couch back at my folks but it was comfortable. I became so comfortable that I forgot all the tv channels here and even my new home phone number. Sad, I know.

As soon as we got out of the car the neighbor boy who had been watching the dogs came up to me telling me details about the dogs. He waited as we unlocked the door and walked in with us. If he was wanting to be paid he was going to have to wait. My first thought was "Geez, I can't even walk through the door." I sent him home.

After getting home, the dogs were crazy because I'm sure after a month they thought we were never returning.  I had to make dinner and at least put suitcases into appropriate rooms. Then I got a call that I wasn't prepared for from a friend. On top of trying to process the whole previous weekend with what I saw, especially last Friday night, looking toward the immediate future and what I need to do to prepare for a couple of job interviews, I kept thinking about a classmate that I grew up with that took his life. It really disturbed me. I guess because in the recent past I had been that low.  My state of relaxation was blown.

As I walked the dogs at 8pm the sky was absolutely magnificent. The clouds were extraordinary with pink, gold and some purple. "How deceiving paradise can be." I thought.  Then I thought about my classmate David who took his life. When we were kids he was not very nice to me. He called me "Sleeztack" a character from Land of the Lost that had big eyes like myself. He wasn't a very nice kid in general. Up through highschool I didn't have much contact with him as we didn't have a lot of classes together. Then a few years ago, I saw him on classmates.com or something like that and found out he served in the military. I emailed him and told him that I appreciated his service to our country. He was thankful and very polite. That left a lasting impression on me.

This past weekend, right after my 25 yr highschool reunion, I found out David had killed himself a few years back. I was shocked! He always seemed to have a hard shell. Maybe there was something in his family life growing up that nobody knew. How sad to know he felt he needed to go away permanently. I just can't get him off my mind.

Now I'm back to reality. The kids are fighting over the damned Wii, one dog is up at 2am wanting out and then still peeing in the hallway later on, and the kids are standing over my bed wondering where breakfast is. I am ready for a change. I've got to get out of this state of being. Even as I type this, I wonder where David is in the scheme of things.  What is his state of being?  I still see his blue eyes, freckles and his white/blonde hair. I'm humbled by his passing. Life is too short. I hope he still has a mission, a purpose in the after life. So what am I going to do about my own state of being, my own purpose, my own mission? I guess it's time for the answers.