Peace

Staring at this blank page I have the need to write but not sure where to begin or how to put it down. The words "Peace" keep running through my head. It's what my neighbor said to me repeatedly as I asked he, his wife and family if they could watch my children so I could come to see what was going to happen with my very ill mother here in Indiana. The tears were flowing and knowing my children's father refused to watch his own children on the days I was suppose to have them made it almost impossible for me to stop.  I thank God every day for good neighbors, good friends and good family. How do you say "Thank You" adequately enough? I don't think there is a way. However, I'm going to try.

Peace.  It's what I want most in life. However, I haven't really been praying for that directly. I've been asking for specific resolutions to specific situations but not peace itself.  That will now be at the top of the list. I'm trying diligently to display it, especially to my children. When they act out it is a reminder to me that I have to be calm. Two crazed children is enough. An emotional mom is an addition they don't need. I think I have been doing a pretty good job lately. However, when someone reminds you of all that you've been through and how you are able to cope it makes you stop. I really don't want to stop but I don't want to want to be moving like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Moving forward and progressing is the goal.

 My new job that starts soon is a bright spot. However, the thought of failing is something that is a continual battle I work with hourly to push to the side.  My mom and I talked about this as she lay struggling in her hospital bed. She told me I can do the job.  She also reminded me "You don't have a choice." As I looked at her I know she is feeling the same way. She doesn't have a choice but to do her job and live. I love her for this. My mom is a very strong person and is not always forthcoming with what is going on inside her. She has a will of steal. I draw strength from this. How can I fail when I see how much she wants to live?  This is just a job and for her it's her life. There is no comparison. This gives me resolve as I sit here and think about it. It also gives me hope and yes, a semblence of peace seems to be breaking through.

Everything looks different in reality then what you picture in your mind. That was true when I came to see my mother. Initially, she looked frail. She is definitely improving, however. It is reassuring to be with her and talk to her. It is like everything else in life. Your imagination can be your enemy. Especially, if you let it. Being with my mother has shown me that being in the moment can be calming and reassuring. That the worst you have created in your mind is not there. It is important for me to remember that. More than that, it is important for me to live it. Peace is a work in progress.