Reality in a Passing

It happened as soon as I took exit 111. A feeling of apprehension. I already missed South Bend even though my body was so ready to get out of the car and relax at home. Yes, I had to sleep on the couch back at my folks but it was comfortable. I became so comfortable that I forgot all the tv channels here and even my new home phone number. Sad, I know.

As soon as we got out of the car the neighbor boy who had been watching the dogs came up to me telling me details about the dogs. He waited as we unlocked the door and walked in with us. If he was wanting to be paid he was going to have to wait. My first thought was "Geez, I can't even walk through the door." I sent him home.

After getting home, the dogs were crazy because I'm sure after a month they thought we were never returning.  I had to make dinner and at least put suitcases into appropriate rooms. Then I got a call that I wasn't prepared for from a friend. On top of trying to process the whole previous weekend with what I saw, especially last Friday night, looking toward the immediate future and what I need to do to prepare for a couple of job interviews, I kept thinking about a classmate that I grew up with that took his life. It really disturbed me. I guess because in the recent past I had been that low.  My state of relaxation was blown.

As I walked the dogs at 8pm the sky was absolutely magnificent. The clouds were extraordinary with pink, gold and some purple. "How deceiving paradise can be." I thought.  Then I thought about my classmate David who took his life. When we were kids he was not very nice to me. He called me "Sleeztack" a character from Land of the Lost that had big eyes like myself. He wasn't a very nice kid in general. Up through highschool I didn't have much contact with him as we didn't have a lot of classes together. Then a few years ago, I saw him on classmates.com or something like that and found out he served in the military. I emailed him and told him that I appreciated his service to our country. He was thankful and very polite. That left a lasting impression on me.

This past weekend, right after my 25 yr highschool reunion, I found out David had killed himself a few years back. I was shocked! He always seemed to have a hard shell. Maybe there was something in his family life growing up that nobody knew. How sad to know he felt he needed to go away permanently. I just can't get him off my mind.

Now I'm back to reality. The kids are fighting over the damned Wii, one dog is up at 2am wanting out and then still peeing in the hallway later on, and the kids are standing over my bed wondering where breakfast is. I am ready for a change. I've got to get out of this state of being. Even as I type this, I wonder where David is in the scheme of things.  What is his state of being?  I still see his blue eyes, freckles and his white/blonde hair. I'm humbled by his passing. Life is too short. I hope he still has a mission, a purpose in the after life. So what am I going to do about my own state of being, my own purpose, my own mission? I guess it's time for the answers.