Relationships, Love and Not Settling

Today is a lazy day yet the ole brain is never resting. It has been a time of reflection about me and my past relationships, with men, of course. The dating scene at over 40 is a lot different than in my teens and twenties. You have children and their schedule to wrangle. Plus, I am a firm believer in not introducing my children to anyone unless it is a serious relationship. However, momma needs some love.

Everyone says when you least expect it that's when it will come. Really? I have a tendency not to believe that. I think when you least expect something that's what you get...the least. I don't know. I shouldn't be guessing. I chose the wrong man to marry. I would never trade my kids but I wish I could have looked into the future. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is making the men I meet feel I deserve less. Is my "chooser"off? Or is that all I have to choose from? I was a very good and hardworking wife when married. I did everything for my family. However, I was a 265lb, 30-something woman who was literally dead inside. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror or pictures of myself. I stood behind people or was the one taking the picture. My humor was larger than my physical self to mask my insecurities. I was also self depricating. That's still par for the course. As far as my weight goes, I know I have more to lose but so far I am happy where I am. My life is so chaotic it is hard to think about doing anything additional to concentrate on.

I don't know what to think anymore about men. While working on myself and my current situation I would love to have someone to share it with that is of the opposite sex. I did have that once but there were a lot of things disguised in that relationship/friendship.  There were secrets that came about that were hurtful and of course it was long distance.  I have a male friend that always tells me that a long distance relationship is doomed to fail. He is probably right. I think a person's fantasy of the a lover far away takes over when in reality we all have habits, idiosyncrasies, faults that aren't seen in the bubble of distant love. The picking of one's teeth at the dinner table or the habit of smoking is something that can easily be erased from one's imaginery love story.

I guess maybe I should define what would be love for me. An intellectual connect with humor and wit. A definite physical attraction.( I know people try and down play physical attraction. I did for a long time because I know it isn't the defining ingredient in a relationship. However, if there isn't a physical attraction to begin with you will be sorry later. Take it from me I know from personal experience.) Someone who you enjoy doing things with and someone who supports you emotionally and physically. Also, a dedication to you and you alone. A person not willing to keep looking for the next best thing. When you have this, you develop a true friendship and bond. When some of these elements aren't there it seems to cause a lot of resentment. This makes you feel like you settled for less. I will never settle for less. I want to be appreciated and frankly I am a very appreciative person. I give as much if not more than I get. And maybe, there in lies the problem.
Am I giving too much of myself away? If this is the case then I don't know what I will do. Frankly, it is the only way I know how to be. I care and love deeply in all my relationships. When you get me, you get all of me.

So the rhetorical question is What do I do? What do I work on, if need be? I'm interested to see how men honestly view me. What their first reaction is when we meet and after we meet what they think then? What would they tell me to improve upon or change? What do married men think that the lasting ingredient is in their marriage? Are they still in love and what makes it worth it? I want to know.

Life is a continuous classroom and love and relationships are no exception. I want to discover the person who would be good for me and how I would be good for them. I really don't want to settle.  Is that asking too much?