Revelations and the "T Test"

What I'm going to write about I can't really take credit for personally. When I went to church tonight I had many revelations. Pastor Wicker, as well as my Divorce Care group, helped make them come about for me. Plus, let's face it, these are all messages from God so He is the only one who can take the glory in this. I guess I'm just opening up more and seeing everything I need to see that is communicated to me. As the evening went on I was worried that I would not remember all the jewels I was learning but hopefully what I write here will do good to someone other than myself. If not, it is a record of what I am learning.  I know that I have gained a lot by hearing the message. Now the goal is to have it sink it in and live it.

From my past postings I must seem bi-polar.  In defense of myself, I have to tell you that life changing events create turmoil and adjustments for every lesson learned. When you are going through many life altering situations (i.e. unemployment, no unemployment compensation, divorce, the impending foreclosure of one's home, bankruptcy, taking care of young children as a single parent and the remarriage of your ex-spouse) it is a moment by moment grab bag of emotions and coping skills that force you to react or not react. The decisions are not always right but they are what they are and you make the most of it. It is taking time, but I think I am learning. The issue of positivism is always at hand.  I try to keep that at the forefront.

During the sermon tonight, Pastor Wicker talked about the "T Test".  This little test was the huge revelation of the evening.  The T Test examines where you really are. Here are the perimeters:

What do you:
Think about?
Talk about?
Treasure most?
you spend the most Time on?
Believe your Truth is?

Talk about an eye-opening test to have presented to you.  I really hate to say this but like Oprah says, it was an "Aha" moment.  It was like having this giant abscess that had been growing on your back that you could never quite see, suddenly removed and plunked on your lap. It's ugly, bloody and painful but it exists and you can't deny it any more just because you couldn't quite see it before. I guess my "abscess" is a multitude of things. It is my focus on money and the lack there of, the desperate need for a relationship to fill the need of being cared for, the negative feelings about my situation and the self doubt about my abilities that creep into my thoughts every day. This abscess takes my strength both mentally and physically. It also takes away my trust in God.  This week I tried to change that. I was prayerful about my situation. Especially Wednesday. I had my mediation with my ex spouse.  I prayed to God that whatever the outcome that it would benefit my children the most.  I was amazed but it worked out in that we will have continued guidance, at no cost, by our mediator in the weeks and months ahead. That is God taking care of me, my children and our family situation.

I also decided to take myself off any dating sites. The attention or lack there of was placing my self worth in the wrong place. I was consumed by my thoughts and it was making me take a look at my value as a potential partner, attractive person or just a worthwhile individual from the outlook of people I didn't even know. It is time for me to experience real, Agape love.

Pastor Wicker tonight talked about when a person is really in love what is it that they want to do?  They want to be with that person all the time. They want to talk and share things all the time. They learn to like the things that person likes and also the people they know and like.  They share activities together and want to know more about that person all the time.  They want to do what pleases that other person.  What hit me was that God is the person I should feel this way about. I should be pursuing Him.  I totally got this when it was put to me this way. I feel a sense of relief that in God's Agape love, I will feel peace, confidence and a calmness in where the relationship is.  If God, at some point, feels I should share my life with someone of the opposite sex than he is going to take care of me and meet my needs in that department too. I have to tell you, I feel a weight off my shoulders.

Though the messages seemed to be coming in loud and clear this evening, I know myself.  That may not always be the case in the decisions that I have to make. But what I learned in Divorce Care is that if it is me that needs to change, I ask God for His help in doing that. If it is my situation and everything around me that needs to change, to ask Him to help me with that too. There are so many areas of my life that this touches on. Even what I eat and anything associated with food.  There is no struggle God cannot help with. It is just remembering to ask for His help. By asking, God knows you are truly ready to be part of the change. If you don't ask then it may just mean you aren't ready. When you are ready to trust God He is there with a hand extended. He just needs to hear "Please help me..."

For a long time, at least since March of 2010, I have felt an overwhelming sensation of the depression and helplessness of the atmosphere in our world. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I think I am always noticing it.  I'm sure I've done nothing to add to it either. However, from what I've learned tonight I want to do more than not add to it. I want to create a positive path in everything that I do.  Kind of like salt that melts the snow.  At the very least, I will help myself create a clear path to make life easier, in some respects for me and my children. I want nothing more than to create any more angst in my children's lives or mine.  By no means, am I a perfect person or Christian for that matter. However, I really hope I get some brownie points for not giving up and persevering in spite of what I've created for myself and what the world has handed to me.