When I'm Ready...

Tonight I fell asleep some time after 9pm and before 10 on the couch. I woke up to my dog licking my hand as I was laying on the couch. I got up and went to the office to check, of course, good ole facebook. 

As I am reading through different posts I notice my friend talking about the fact that there is no love like a person's first love. This, I thought, is true. It took me many years to get over my very true, adult, first love.  He was rare yet he went back to his first true love and as far as I know, they are still together with three kids. He was the one I compared all men to. After awhile though, it seemed I would never find that love again. Maybe that's why I married my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever find that kind of love again so I thought that love turns into something different. Something more calm, less emotional and more matter-of-fact. Something more adult-like.  It turns out that this kind of love, at least for me, had a shelf life and could only sustain itself until the idea and want for something more emotionally and intellectually connective was so powerful and pervasive in me that I had to be free.

This reason for leaving my husband (among the many others) has still eluded me. When we are young usually we are unencumbered by our financial state and caring for and providing for children. It is easy to concentrate and focus on the person we connect with.  Everyday life is more complex when you add children, employment and stressors to the mix. However, I am an eternal optimist and my hope is that I can find true love one day again. The main lesson I take from divorce is that I am not going to settle. No one should. Everyone deserves a powerful love. However, I believe that you must really not only know yourself but know your needs. That is where I am in my life right now; finding out what meets my needs. (This includes all areas of my life, actually)

Of course, in the back of my mind I worry about how men perceive me physically. This hasn't seemed to change from when I was young. However, the focus is now on different areas of my physicality. For me, I know I need to lose more weight and eat better. However, I am 65lbs from where I used to be and I have to tell you I feel so much freer and attractive than I did 5 yrs ago. I also realize that I can never (and will never) be that anorexic 116lbs I was at my lowest point in college. That's ok. I was really hungry then. There will always be things I want to change about myself but my hope is that the "me" that I truly am brings someone into my life who is still attracted to me, regardless if I ever change physically from the place I am now.

After my divorce a year and a half ago I have made a couple of real, emotional connections. However, each, ultimately was not what I was seeking or needed. Plus, let's face it. Those that know me know I am not in a place in my life where this should be anywhere near the top of my concerns. I realized this a couple of weeks ago. I took myself off my favorite dating site and I feel much calmer. I am getting connected with my church in a number of ways and with people who are my friends. This, along with my main focuses of caring for my children and getting a job, are the things filling my time. I am grateful for a more focused life. Maybe later, when I'm ready, will come love.