Jimmy Deckler

Jimmy Deckler has been on my mind for the better part of this week. I keep wondering what it is he wants me to say. I only know what I know about Jimmy and not much more. However, I am learning that the little bit we do know about others is quite significant.

Even though I lived on top of a hill we had a cul-de-sac near us. This was a wonderful thing because it gave us another avenue of safe play. On the cul-de-sac or court as we called it, among the families that resided there, lived the Decklers. I know there was Linda, Debbie and Jimmy. There could have been more siblings but I don't remember since it has been well over 30 years. I knew Linda and Debbie as they were our babysitters. Debbie more than Linda. I believe Linda was the oldest of the three, however, I don't know if Jimmy was younger than Debbie or not. I just knew they were all older than myself.

 I don't really remember Jimmy's face. I remember a tall, brown-haired teenage/college age boy or man.  He seemed closer to a man than a boy. I remember him shirtless and in shorts. However, that is the fleeting memory I have of Jimmy.  You see, Jimmy had cancer. I don't know what kind of cancer, I just knew he was asleep a lot or in bed. My brief memory of him was in summer. Maybe he came to the door when we came to their house one day. Were we selling something? I don't remember. Just shirtless and in shorts. That's my memory of Jimmy.

Later, while Jimmy was ill and in bed,  his family had a garage sale. Our neighborhood did a yearly garage sale so there were people all over. I remember being in their garage and seeing a boy's lunch box. I stared at it. I was pretty young and I knew that the lunch box had to have been Jimmy's. I didn't understand but the lunch box bothered me. I didn't want to go near it. Did the lunch box contain cancer? By touching it could he have received cancer or could someone catch cancer from it? I didn't know and I wasn't about to find out. I just kept looking around to assess the other items that might have belonged to Jimmy wondering the same thing. Cancer seemed scary and unknown and it was the only thing I really knew about Jimmy.

I don't know how much more time passed but Jimmy eventually passed away. I never knew what kind of cancer he had. I do remember his sister Debbie not talking about him. Not that I asked about him, of course. I was just wondering if she would ever talk about him. Probably not to the kids she babysat. Jimmy just seemed to slip into the memories I have of the 1970s.

The Decklers moved away and I don't know where they went. I will always remember them. The parents, Debbie, Linda and for a fleeting moment Jimmy. I think about the Decklers and wonder if the parents are still living. I wonder if Debbie and Linda think about Jimmy. I would think so because I think about my brother. However, my brother has only been gone 6 years. Jimmy has been gone several life times.

As I sit here I wonder what Jimmy was really like and how interesting it is that a small girl remembers him around 35 yrs later.  I wonder if anyone remembers me from a fleeting moment in my history? How is it that 35 years later Jimmy has me thinking about him. I wonder what he thought as he laid in bed getting sicker? I think of my mother in her similar circumstance. Does one think about their fate? Is a person so tired that they just set their mind to sleep and reserving their strength? What would one dream about? Could it be that life at this point is a reverse nightmare? As I call it a "lifemare". A dream feels pretty good but when you wake up, your life is way worse than you imagine it. I don't know. I'm not there but I wish I could talk to Jimmy. It would be great to know more about him. More than the fleeting moment I had.

Can each of our moments be significant not only to ourselves but others? I believe this is true because I remember people in fleeting moments that I will never know again. And others still that have been gone so many years that mean the world to me. My Uncle Curt who use to call Snowball, my Nana's dog, through an empty, cardboard toilet roll and drive the dog mad. He's been gone since March 17th, 1976. He died at the age of 28, five days after my brother Brett was born. Brett died also at age 28 in 2005. I hope people remember them. I hope I am remembered.

As I think about my memory of Jimmy I realize that what we do, even those things that seem so insignificant, have great meaning perhaps to someone else. How we communicate, our intentions and our actions speak volumes about who we are. When you are abrupt will you be forever judged by a person that doesn't know you? Even things that you have no control over make an impact, like cancer.  We are human, however. We cannot be perfect every day. Things get the best of us in our words and actions. Sometimes random people witness this and you wonder if they think you are really like that all the time. As I think about this I realize that I have to be in two states of mind: cognizant that people are watching my actions and deeds and also I am watching other's actions and deeds. If this is the case, am I forever going to judge someone on their actions and deeds when I don't know them but for one fleeting moment? I want to be fair just like I want someone to be fair to me.

I think the crux of the matter is to remember that a moment is just that: a moment that leads to the next. Is a moment the sum of all things? Was Jimmy just cancer? Of course not. He was a human with the totality of all the moments he experienced. The sum of those moments are representive of Jimmy's life. Even Jimmy's life of moments still don't totally define Jimmy. Defining Jimmy is not my job. Unfortunately, he was put in a box of representation by my child's brain. I am basing that on my interpretation of the few moments spent with Jimmy. His interpretation and experience might have been far different than mine. It was for me to learn something from Jimmy, even if fleeting. Knowing this, as an adult, I can't judge.  I can only be grateful for Jimmy and what I do remember.

Selah ~

They played a video that was from the perspective of someone who would have been in the World Trade Center as it fell. The sound was loud and roaring. There were cries, moans and shouting but all you could see was dust and debris in the air. The video was loud but our congregation was still. When it was over the musicians stood and the words to God Bless America came on the screen. It seemed appropriate even though it was in church. Everyone stood and it seemed everyone there sang with all their heart. At least I was as I put my arm around my son. I hoped my singing would translate a sense of pride I had for my country even though it seems that there is disappointment in some of the things I see going on and even in myself. I wanted so desperately to bring back that patriotism we had in the days following 9/11/01. It is very much needed.

The sermon was on Psalm 46. It was very appropriate for what this weekend represents. However, it went well beyond remembrance. To me it transcended that and slipped perfectly into my current situation. This Psalm is to be sung by a women's choir so I definitely could  relate to it.  Psalm 46 talks about how God is our refuge and our strength even though the mountains may fall and the waters will roar and foam. The word Selah is used. Selah, as was explained by Pastor Wicker, means to pause and think about it. How appropriate with all that happens in our life. When life's trials get the best of us, as humans, our natural reaction is to be able to do something about it immediately. However, to pause and think about it is the needed course of action. There are times that we are so overcome with shock and despair that our only reaction is to just stop. Mainly because we can't wrap our mind around it. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the information/situation we have just been given. To stand, to compute and process and to put ourselves in connection with God. 

To be silent and wait for God's message is a learned skill. For me to be silent, even in my own mind, is very difficult. The chatter I have going on easily can block out any communication from God and anyone else. I think it is easy to let our own self-talk intensify fear, despair or any other negative feeling we may have. It is important not to nurture and cultivate that. As was said by my Pastor, we may not always feel safe but we are always secure in God. It is a constant to renew your intentions and commitment to God and let Him take over. That may not only mean minute by minute but even moment by moment. It is continuous but if we keep trying to remember to do it, there is a sense of calm, peacefulness and joy that will overcome us. This is because we let God handle what seems to over take us.  If we focus on God he provides angelic assistance to all that overwhelms us.

Have you ever had a circumstance that you thought "How am I going to get out of this?" "When will this end?" or "How will this ever be resolved?". Then in comes some change that could never have been conceived, a person interfered that you would never have imagined would be in the picture and the outcome to what seemed like an impossible situation turned on a dime. That is God working in our lives. When these things happen I try and thank God because I know if left to my own devices the outcome would be dismal or tragic.

Life the past two years has been an upheaval for me. However, I am finding that the more I say to God "Hey, can you take this?" He does and I find a sense of peace. I find that there are things I cannot control like my mother's illness and what my ex-husband and his wife do that I give up to Him in prayer. It seems to be working because I am finding more joy in each of my days, despite what is happening around me. I've stopped giving the power to others who create negative feelings in me and just say "Hey God, this is bothering me, help me to react positively to this." and it works. Every time. I just keep saying "Focus on God."and let's face it, this sometimes the only thing we can do.

(This was partially written on Aug. 30th)

I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.

 As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.

Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why".  Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.

Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.

Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me.  Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason