(This was partially written on Aug. 30th)

I feel at peace today. As I left Mom's hospital room I closed the door. Then something made me open it again and I told her I loved her one more time and I blew her a kiss. I'm leaving tomorrow. For all I know, she may be leaving forever. Oddly, I am calm. This must be God settling in my heart.

 As I channel surfed tonight I came upon Joyce Meyer. I love Joyce. She tells it like it is and tonight was no different. The topic was not having to know all the answers. I have to admit I am very guilty of this. The need to control is high especially when things don't go as expected or planned. My unemployment compensation is a perfect example. Almost 12 weeks I've been waiting for it to come. I've called and called and complained and moaned. Even though I hate to admit it, I cannot control when this money is coming to me. I can't force anyone to give it to me. Nor do I know the entire reason(s) why it may be late. It just is.

Our world is filled with ways to communicate and know things as soon as it happens. Television, the internet and cell phones add to the swiftness and completeness of the transmission of information. I think back on when I was in college. I drove eight hours one way to get home to Indiana. No cell phones to call people and tell them where I was at. I got there when I got there. It was more of an adventure. Today we have to know all about everything. We have to know the "why".  Sometimes there just isn't a why. The why is never revealed. So if the why is never revealed in so many circumstances how are we going to let that effect us? Are we going to relentlessly pursue the "why"? Maybe we shouldn't know this? Maybe it's not for us to know? Perhaps our life is like a novel and we are not suppose to found out how all the intricacies and reasons for what have transpired through the years until the final chapter.

Questioning God is wanting to know the why. As Joyce said tonight, it's like when your child wants to know all the reasons for why we do things and sometimes you have to tell them "It's not your business to know." Sometimes it's best not to know. Have you ever begged to know a piece of information until it was finally given to you? Then when you found out this piece of information you wish you never knew. Maybe I became unemployed this Spring so I could spend more time with my mother? Maybe the relationship I had last Fall was to learn that I could feel things I hadn't felt in twenty years so I knew that it was possible? Who really knows except God. I'm assuming this information won't be revealed to me until I'm meeting Him face to face. That is ok. It really is. The why just isn't as important anymore.

Though I am far from perfect I am learning not to ask "Why?". It is freeing. This also helps when you try to figure out other people's actions. It's not for me to know. I'm accountable for me.  Only me. I want to be happy and frankly I deserve it. I just can't get to happiness always wondering the meaning behind everything. I have to tell you it is truly my faith and my growing relationship with God that gives me the strength to do what is good for me. He hasn't led me astray yet. There in lies another reason